Old and New Jokes

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.

Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

Once ther was an insurance saleman from the city going out to the farm community to sell insurance to the farmers. He was way out in the country when he had engine trouble. Not knowing anything about cars he gets out and looks under the hood anyway.

All of a sudden he hears a voice that says Its the carborator



The insurance man jumps , and looks around, seeing no one . He then looks under the hood again hoping it is something visible that he could fix himself, when he hears the voice again Its the carborator



The man jumps again and turns around only seeing a large Brahma bull behind him. Scared out of his wits he takes off running to the nearest farm house he can see.



He knocks on the door, the farmer answers, the man immediately goes into his speal about the bull.



The farmer scratches his head and says Does he have one straight ear and one floppy ear?



The man nods Yes, Yes .



The farmer laughs and says Dont worry about him he doesnt know as much about cars as he thinks he does

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. Youre over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first–that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, dont even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Dont drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but dont drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you dont even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.

This doucment was written by the employees at Glowport.

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went a little bit too
far in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who
was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge
reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

The newsletter Verbatim had an article some years ago discussing prefixes,
suffixes, and infixes.

In English we have hundreds of prefixes that modify thousands of words. We also
have hundreds of suffixes that modify additional thousands of words.

In other languages there are hundreds of infixes, where you split a word and
add the infix to modify the word meaning. Many Arabic infix words were included
as examples.

The article ended with the three known English infix words:
in-fucking-credible, un-fucking-believable, and fan-fucking-tastic.

Three jewish israeli brothers come to america. They each get jobs.

The first one is a singer. He learns to say, Me, me me me me!

The second one is a waiter. He learns to say, Forks and knives, forks and knives.

The third one owns a candy shop. He learns to say, Goody goody gum drops!

One day a man is murdered. The three brothers are at the crime scene, and theyre being questioned.

One cop says, All right, now who did this?

The first brother tries to point out the man, but the only word he can say is, Me, me me me me!

The second cop says, What did you kill him with?

The second brother, trying to prove his brothers innocence, says, Forks and knives, forks and knives.

Finally, the third cop says, All three of you are going to have to come downtown with us.

And the third brother, trying to protest, says, Goody goody gum drops!

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained.Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales
clerk explained. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.But the right leg is way too short, argued the customer.No problem, the sales clerk answered. Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. Thats why this suit is only
thirty dollars.Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left
shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel
under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of
the store toward his car.Two doctors happened along and noticed him.Good heavens, the first doctor said to the
second, look at that poor crippled fellow.Yeah, answered the second doctor. But doesnt that
suit fit great?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Freighter!
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door!

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. Weve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??

Im sorry, replied the hunchback, but we dont have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. Im afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igors master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion. Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills deaths upset Igors master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Bettys hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bobs arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, hed start counting 10, 9, 8….