One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.
We dont have any money for food. the poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then.
But sir, I have a wife with two children!
Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.
But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.
Bring them as well!
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!
A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.
No, thanks, says the plant manager. I tried smoking a cigar once and I didnt like it.
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. No, thanks, the plant manager replies. I tried alcohol once, but didnt like it.
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. I suppose you play golf, says the salesman. Id like to invite you to be a guest at my club.
No, thanks, the manager says. I played golf once, but I didnt like it.
Just then a young man enters the office. Let me introduce my son, Bill, says the plant manager.
Let me guess, the salesman replies. An only child?
Superman walks over to Spidermans house and says hey Spidey You wanna Go out for some drinks but Spidey says Sorry I have to fix a web shooter to fight crime tommorow. So he flys over to the batcave and asks batman if he wants do go out for drinks but he says sorry I have to fix a turboburner for the Batmobile because I have to fight crime tommorow so Superman Walks backover to his place and on the way he sees wonder woman getting undressed in a hotel room and he really wants to fuck her so he flys through really fast. Meanwhile in the hotel room Wonder Woman says Wow what was that and then the invisible man says I have no Idea but my ass hurts.
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: Hes the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Era domingo, y el zoologico estaba lleno de visitantes. Todos querÃan ver la nueva adquisición del parque: un enorme gorila traÃdo -decÃa el folleto explicativo- de una remota región de Africa donde nunca el hombre ha dejado huella.
Entre los que acudieron a contemplarlo se hallaba un paralÃtico en su silla de ruedas.
De pronto se produjo una enorme conmoción: el gorila se habÃa enfurecido, mostraba dientes y garras en actitud de ataque y se daba tremendos golpes en el pecho. La gente retrocedÃa asustada.
El fiero animal empezo con sus membrudos brazos a doblar los barrotes de su jaula. Los rompió por fin, y salió de ella.
Espantada, la gente echó a correr por todas partes. El pobre paralÃtico también se apresuraba en su silla de ruedas, pero se iba quedando atras, casi al alcance del gorila, que corrÃa tras de la muchedumbre.
Un guardia que acudÃa vio los apuros del desdichado y empezo a gritar, a fin de que la gente lo ayudara:
¡El paralÃtico! ¡El paralÃtico!
El paralitico se voltea y le grita con gran rencor al guardia:
¡Deja que el gorila escoja, hijo de la chingada!
A little girl was asked by her mother what she wants for Christmas.
Barbie and GI Joe, she said.
But darling, the mother said, Barbie doesnt come with GI Joe, Barbie comes with Ken.
No mommy, the little girl replied, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she only fakes with Ken.
This guy gets a notice to show up at the IRS office to answer some questions about his last tax return. His wife advises him to wear clothes with holes and his worn-out shoes. Make them think youre poor.
Then he goes and asks his lawyer how he should dress. Dont let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and your sharpest tie!
The guy is overwhelmed. With these two different opinions, he still doesnt know how he should dress. As a last resort, he goes to see his rabbi, explains his situation, the two contradictory opinions, and asks him what he should do.
The rabbi answers: A woman, on the verge of getting married, asks her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. Wear a long flannel night shirt which buttons at the neck, she answers. But when the bride-to-be asks the same question to her best friend, she gets this answer: Wear your sexiest nightie, the one thats open down to your navel.
The guy interrupts the rabbi: But what does all this have to do with the IRS?
The rabbi nods and says: Whatever you wear, youre gonna get screwed.
In the beginning was the Plan
and then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the faces of the employees
and they spake amongst themselves, saying
It is a crock of shit and it stinks!
and the employees went unto their supervisors, saying: It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.
and the supervisors went unto their division managers, saying: It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength.
and the division managers went unto their system managers, saying: It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.
and the general manager went unto the Board, saying: It promotes growth and is very powerful.
and the general manager went unto the Board, saying: This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization.
and the Board looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
and the Plan became Policy
This is how shit happens.
Q. Do all men really masturbate?A. Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. Its been passed on from our primal forefathers, and itll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women dont express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.Q. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?A. Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)Q. Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?A. It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) Q. Why are men such dogs?A. I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient… We men are nothing like dogs.Q. Why are men so annoying?A. Were not. Youre just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?Q. Why do men always assume its that time of the month?A. Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle thats just too much for us males to track. Its simply easier for men to assume that its that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.Q. Why cant men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?A. Women either talk incessantly about their mate or only call when theyre having relationship trouble. Most women dont even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: Whats the deal with this male bonding business?)Q. Whats the deal with this male bonding business?A. The answer to this question, again lies in mens evolutionary roots. In prehistoric times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless