A habby baby.

Q: Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?

A: Theyre afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.

I read in UPI that Americas biggest plumbing maker is marketing a product that could save countless marriages. Its called the Peacekeeper – a toilet that wont flush unless the seat is down.

We saw it as an opportunity to solve a few disputes in the home, said Nancy Deptolla, spokeswoman for Kohler Co. of Kohler, Wis.

The women say, Whereve you been. Men laugh and say, My wife would appreciate that, said Carol Erwin, media director for Kohler.

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town. There was a local there who gave carriage rides to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting with my husband and my four old daughter.

Now, I am embarrassed to say this, but this horse was experiencing an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.

As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, my daughter yelled out, Daddy! This horse has a penis – like you!

I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crown seemed to be staring at me with envy.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? You just cant get that screwed up in one lifetime.

You might be a redneck if you refuse to slide during a softball game because you dont want to crush your cigarettes!

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, So what do you think of mad cow disease? The other replies, I dunno, Im a chicken.

Jack Benny was for about 50 years one of the USAs favorite comedians. One of his gimmicks was to play the violin badly (the audience would boo and laugh).

Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped him and asked, Whats in that case?

To be funny, Benny replied, A machine-gun.

Thank goodness, deadpanned the guard, I was afraid it was your violin!

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