A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he hadinvented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers labor pain to the babys father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked
the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transferALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead
on their porch.
Personal ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
My fiancee who is slightly twisted (obvious from her help on the last carol I posted) came up with this earlier this year.
Deck the halls with gasoline.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Light a match and watch them gleam.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Watch the school burn down to ashes.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Arent you glad you played with matches.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
See the blazing school before us.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Shoot the band and hang the chorus.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Toast professors like marshmellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Arent they such delicious fellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCalls, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, Ive found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, Ive found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when theyre depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
think its too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
dont celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-doeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until theyre dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?.
Then the second Snake says Why do you ask?
The 1st one replies: I just bit my lip!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Raoul!
Raoul who?
Raoul of law!
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. How could you do this! he exclaimed.
I dont know, she wailed, I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.
Well, the pastor persisted, You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, Get behind me, Satan!
I did, replied his wife, but then he said It looks great from back here, too.
During midd night mass, everything went well until they came to the speaking part. It did not sound like latin and the ceremony came to a halt, everyone fixed their eyes on the altar.
One priest spoke up, isnt that you Rabbi Schulmann?
Yes, this is me. father o malley wanted to take christmas off this year and i am filling in for him. we trade work you see.
George set out on a very windy day to see his friend Sam who was sick in bed. Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Sams house. Sam asked him how it was. Ill tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forewards, I fell back two steps.
Then how ever did you make it over here? Sam asked.
Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.