Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewarts wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there Scotty! said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another wee one to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems theres yet another one besides! cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: Do ya think its the light thats attractin them?

Cierto día llega un joven a confesarse y le dice al sacerdote:

Padre, confieso que le hice el amor a mi novia.

El padre le dice: Hijo, eres un pecador.

El joven se defiende diciendo:

Padre, compréndame, es que ella sola, yo solo y la casa sola.

El padre dice: Bueno, hijo, te comprendo.

Pero padre eso no es todo, también le hice el amor a mi suegra.

¡A tu suegra! eres un degenerado.

Pero padre, comprenda, mi suegra sola, yo solo, la casa sola.

Está bien hijo, te comprendo.

Pero padre, hay mucho más, es que también le hice el amor a la abuelita de mi novia.

Esto es el colmo, responde asustado el padre.

Pero padre, compréndame, la abuela sola, yo solo y esa casa sola.

Hijo, esto es muy duro de comprender.

Pero padre, falta más todavía. Le hice el amor a…

En ese momento sale el padre corriendo asustado y el joven le dice:

¡Padre, por qué corre termine de escucharme!

¡No hijo, ni sueñe, es que usted solo, yo solo y la iglesia sola!

Men are like parking spaces/the good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped or to small.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk – dislodging the
dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

Ive spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, Ive been able to discount all the facts to the
contrary – the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez.

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont
try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all th
e
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw
the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
of your life. Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record is – for cats – three latherings,
so dont expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact,
the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.
Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right
leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel
and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the
top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is
to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all
the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
Do NOT try to use a blow dryer. You might
as well use a vacuum cleaner.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give
him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in the UK.

AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHTSchoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.
ARTISTLikes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot of dope and talks nonsense about Esixentialist Espressionism.
ATTRACTIVEUgly.
AVERAGE HEIGHTFor a pygmy.
BEAUTIFULHer mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl. That was 45 years ago.
BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHTDirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.
BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTBonding is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.
BUSINESSMANOld, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.
BUXOMExceptionally so. Sagging, too.
CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTSponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.
CAR-OWNINGOwns a 1958 Morris Minor.
CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMINGMousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.
CIVIL ENGINEERPlays with Meccano.
COLOUR IMMATERIALSexy black girl sought.
COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIALSexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.
COMMITTEDPossessive. Control Freak.
COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.If normal, does not need to advertise. Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.
COMPUTERS, INTERESTED INPeople, NOT interested in.
COUNTRY COTTAGERun-down hovel without main facilities, miles from anywhere. Wants cook and housekeeper, without having to pay for it.
CREATIVEOnce went to pottery evening classes.
CUDDLYMan: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.Woman: has six children – breast-feeds them in restaurants.
DEEP RELATIONSHIPInsert throat in above sentence, for more accurate meaning.
DINING, INTERESTED INMan: makes obscene passes at mealtable, gets paralytically drunk, throws up in partners lap.Woman: see Large.
DISCREETMarried.
DIVORCEDSeparated, and going through a very messy divorce.
DRIVES PORSCHEGarage mechanic. Swipes Porsche when the boss is away.
ECCENTRICExtraordinarily weird. Possibly homicidal.
EYES, BEAUTIFULRemainder, vile.
FAMILY MANDiscreet affair sought.
FILMS, INTERESTED INTalks about some obscure Albanian movies made in the 50s. Can talk a whole evening about the Introverted Seminal Hermetism of Goddards films. Refuses to see Jurassic Park on grounds that it is trivial.
FOREIGN GENTLEMAN SEEKS PERMANENT RELATIONSHIPIllegal immigrant; would marry anybody to secure permanent residence in the UK/EU.
FREAKYCertifiably insane.
FREE ROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE, EXOTIC HOLIDAYS OFFEREDNasty little squirt who can get a woman, only by paying for her.
GAYSo incredibly camp that the most outrageous drag Queen would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Makes Quentin Crisp look like Mel Gibson (though, come to think of it …)
GENTLENonentity.
GOOD LIFEDirty weekends, high-stake gambling, general debauchery, group sex, young girls. (i.e., good life)
GOOD NATUREDCan be taken advantage of, but whines a lot if you do.
GORGEOUSDaffy ex-showgirl who was gorgeous about 40 years ago.
GRADUATEDiploma in plumbing from an un-heard of technical school.
GREGARIOUSInto group sex and/or gang-bangs.
HAIRDRESSERGay.
HAIRYMan: has more hair than a gorilla.Woman: undergoing spontaneous sex change
HANDSOMEHandsome, but freaks out if you spill wine on his trousers. Looks over your shoulder, into a mirror, when he talks to you. Checks his reflection in shop windows.
HEAVY ROCK, INTODeaf. Stoned. Both.
HOMELOVINGWoman: compulsive cleaner; freaks out if you spill a drop of wine on her table cloth.Man: likes to stay home with a six-pack and a large bag of Doritos, watching soccer on TV. Slob.
HORROR MOVIES AND BOOKS, INTOWears a black cape and sleeps in a coffin. If you accept a date, wear a garlic necklace.
HUMOROUSManiacally so; knows Monty Python parrot sketch by heart and repeats it over and over, laughing to himself.
INTELLECTUALBrooding. Talk non-stop about obscure Peruvian philosophers, Leibniz monads, Gestalt. A complete bore.
INTERACTS WITH MOVIE STARSWorks as a waiter in a bar patronized by out-of-work actors.
INTERIOR DECORATORGay.
INTERIOR DECORATOR, SUCCESSFULGay and rich. (What more do you want?)
JOGGING, RUNNING, ETC.Talks incessantly about cartilage trouble, Achilles tendons, running shoes; permanently exhausted. Do not expect sexual activity.
LARGEUnbelievably overweight.Man: great mounds of flesh spilling out of clothes. Sweats profusely.Woman: wears bell tents; has double chin that looks like Elizabethan ruff.
LATE FORTIESReceiving old-age pension
LONELYHas habits so awful that cannot be legally described in an ad; deserves to be lonely.
LOOKING FOR MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPLooking for father/mother for five quite appalling kids.
LOVES ANIMALS… more than people; has fifteen cats.
LOVES CHILDRENPaedophile.In more than one way: roasted, fried, barbecued, en cocotte, a la mode du chef …, ok, just kidding
MATUREMenopausal.
MODELProstitute.
MOTORCYCLES, INTOHells Angel. Leather, studs, chains, into.
MUCH-TRAVELLEDLong-distance lorry driver; if genuine airline pilot, has tertiary syphilis.
MUSIC, INTERESTED INHas a $ 5,000 quadriphonic set-up that kill at a mile range.Owns a cheap Woolworths Hi-Fi and a couple of ABBA LPs.Plays the ocarina. Badly.
NATURE, BIRD WATCHING, INTOPeeping Tom.If genuine: be prepared to wake up at 3:00 AM in the middle of Winter and slog for three hours in a marsh, to watch the mating dance of the Scottish Heron.
NON-EFFEMINATE GAYTattooed, six-day beard growth, big muscles, army boots and combat jacket (chancy, if female).
NON-SCENE GAYHad a very nasty experience with huge sailor.
NON-SMOKERSmoker, trying to quit. Has fits and tantrums as a result of nicotine withdrawal.
OCCASIONALLY MOODYSuicidal.
OLDER LADY SOUGHTGigolo.
PLUMPFemale version of the Michelin Man.
POLITICALLY CONSERVATIVEWears swastika armbands, jackboots and an SS cap. Sings banned nazi songs in pubs and gets usually beaten to a pulp by the other patrons.
PRESENTABLEOwns a polyester suit.
PROFESSIONALPlumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable sexual deviations.
PUBS, INTOMan: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.Woman: Outmoded dollybird.
QUIETIncredibly dull.
RADICALOn probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.
RANDYSuffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects (and objects as women).
RITZY, CHIC, ETC.Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.
ROMANTICWoman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.
SCIENCE-FICTION FANSays things like phasers activated when switching on the headlights of his car, ET phone home before making a phone call and may the force be with you to total strangers. An embarrassment and a bore.If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs, like the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns into an abduction
SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)Not fussy, as long as it screws.
SEEKS SIMILARUtterly narcissistic.
SEEKS SOLVENT MAN/WOMANGolddigger/Gigolo.
SELF-CONTAINEDComplete introvert. Hermit.
SENSITIVEWoman: highly strung; cries a lot; has five nervous breakdowns a year.Man:Poovy; permanently under therapy.Gay.
SHARING RELATIONSHIPYou give, he/she takes.Screwing relationship.
SHYRetarded.
SINCEREPromiscuous and lying.Clings like a leech; Impossible to get rid of.
SLIMMan: gangling, round-shouldered, 6ft 6ins.Woman: terminal anorexia case.
SMOKERFive packs a day. If you go into his/her apartment, wear a gas mask.
SOLICITORArticled clerk in Solicitors office.
SOLITUDE, INTO.Layabout.
SOLVENTHas a Woolworths credit card.
SPARKLING PERSONALITYHigh as a kite on something or other; hellish bore.
SPACE, NEEDSWants to conduct seven affairs simultaneously, without interference.
SPONTANEOUSErratic, unpredictable (as in spontaneous combustion).
SPORTS, INTERESTED INDarts, snooker, pinball, video games.
STRAIGHTCloset gay.
STRAIGHT LOOKINGGay acting.
TALLMan: exceptionally tall (over 7ft) and playing it down.Woman: resembles stick insect.
TEACHERBroke and scruffy.
TEMPERAMENTALHas bouts of uncontrollable violence.
TRAVELLING, KEEN ONMassive rent arrears.
TRENDYRidiculous; goes to formal occasions wearing purple leotards and yellow plastic shoes.
UNDERSTANDINGReal live saint sought by loser with extraordinary number of problems.
VIRILELike randy, but stronger. Has punctured his inflatable doll a number of times.
VIVACIOUSFreaky. Talks about herself non-stop in a shrilly voice.
WARMOverpowering personality. Control freak.
WORLDLYTravelling salesman.
WRITERUnpublished.
YOUNG(Seeking) Middle aged man after nymphet. Older woman after young stud. (Describing self as) See Youthful.
YOUTHFULOld, but pathetically infantile.
ZANYEscapee from mental institution.

Thats the end, I suppose. Ah, yes: ads in French, or containing extensive references to star signs, or quotes from Shakespeares sonnets, should be handled with extreme caution.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2 2? The housewife replies: Four!.

The accountant says: I think its either 3 or

4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?

Its Friday afternoon and the boss calls his salesman into the office and says that today they could close the big deal hes been working on. But it means the salesman must drive to Birmingham immediately.

Feeling lucky, the salesman immediately jumps in his car an sets of up the M1. Hes making very good progress when, all of a sudden, his car breaks down. After having a look, he can see he will need assistance.

He tries the emergency phone – but its broken. Then he attempts to flag down a passing motorist, but being Friday, they dont care and keep screaming past in their efforts to get home for the weekend.

So he sets of over the fields for help. After a while he comes across a high security double fence in the middle of know where, which he is forced to go around. There are Keep Out and Government Property signs everywhere and guard dogs between the fences.

Shortly he arrives at the entrance gate to the establishment. He asks the guard if he can use the phone. The guard explains that for security reasons, they have no phones on the site. Undeterred, he explains the urgency of his business and asks if the guard might have a car – he would willingly pay to use it. But still the answer is No.

May be, a bike – so I could get to town he asks. This to gets a negative reply.

The salesman is just about to give up in frustration, when the guard says there may be a solution inside the camp. Taking the salesman through to the main courtyard, he cant believe his eyes! There is an 8 foot tall chicken running round the courtyard. The guard explains that the chicken is a result of one of their devious experiments.

Oh.. says the salesman – can I ride the chicken to Birmingham. No, no says the guard. Weve rigged up a chariot for the chicken to pull, and weve trained it to race. Why not see if you can drive the chariot to Birmingham.

Thinking this to be ludicrous but realising how late the time is getting, the salesman accepts. 10 minutes later, after being shown hown to control the chicken, he is back on the M1 heading north.

At first the chicken and chariot is trotting along the hard shoulder slowly. The salesman wants to go faster. He cracks the whip. The chicken immediately responds and sets of down the middle lane at about 50mph. Wow thinks the salesman. I wonder how fast it will go.

He cracks the whip again, this time much harder. The chicken bolt into the outside lane, braking out of the harness and disappearing over the horizon at about 90mph. The chariot, now out of control crashes violently into the central reservation resulting in a major pile-up.

As he regains consiousness, the salesman, realising the disaster which he has caused sees a policeman leaning over him and asking So whats your story then?.

sroll down

sroll down

sroll down

He replies, We officer… My big ens gone!

Llegó un doctor a hacer su servicio social a un pueblo en la sierra. A los pocos días, empezó a notar que en el pueblo no había mujeres y éste se preguntaba cómo le hacían los hombres para satisfacer sus necesidades sexuales.

Un día, en una de las consultas, le preguntó a su paciente: Dígame Don Pancho, ¿cómo le hacen ustedes para satisfacerse si aquí en el pueblo no hay mujeres?

Muy fácil, por la tarde vaya para el río y ahí encontrará su respuesta.

En la tarde, el médico se dirije al río y, cuál fue su sorpresa: que había tremenda fila… todo el pueblo estaba ahí. El doctor se formó al final de la fila y el último, al darse cuenta de que era el médico, le permitió pasarse hacia adelante y así todos le fueron dejando su lugar hasta que el doctor quedó al inicio de la fila.

Lo que encontró el médico fue un burro y pensó: ¡Ahhh! Así es como se satisfacen estos cabrones. Bueno, ni modo. Y se acomodó como pudo el doctor y le empezó a dar al burro por detrás.

Pasado un rato, el segundo de la fila le pregunta al galeno: Doctor, ¿le falta mucho?

No, ya mero termino, ¿por qué me pregunta?

Lo que pasa es que necesitamos al burro para cruzar el río porque del otro lado están las ¡PUTAS!

One day a crowd of people were throwing stones at a hooker. Jesus stepped forth and said, May he who is without sin, cast the next stone. All the people looked at Jesus, and began to feel bad and turn away. Suddenly, a woman stepped forward, picked up a stone, and nailed the hooker right between the eyes. The crowd looked at the woman in disbelief, and Jesus also looked at her. What? the woman said. Jesus nodded his head and replied, You dont count mom!