Old and New Jokes

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat
his back.

In the Jetsons, there are still no [ethnic] people…

The future looks bright, doesnt it?

There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, "Whats the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable." Bill said, "Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him, "that mustve been terrible!" "It was," he said, "all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again…"

Two men were busy boasting to each other. The first said, I can get in my truck first thing in the morning and drive all day before I reach the other side of my property.

The second guy replied, I used to have a truck like that, too!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. Not bad said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

Wow, thats colder than mine!said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT.

Fidel Castro, desesperado ante la situación de Cuba, se sienta en la Plaza de la Revolución y se dirige a la estatua de Martí:

Por favor, Martí, ayúdame a resolver el problema de mi país.

Y al rato siente una mano que le toca el hombro y le dice: Si quieres que te ayude traeme un caballo.

Fidel, asustado, sale corriendo y le hace el cuento a su hermano Raúl, el cual quiere comprobarlo por sus propios ojos y acompana a fidel a donde se encuentra la estatua de Martí. Fidel repite su pedido y al poco rato Martí le contesta:

Te dije que me trajeras un caballo, no un burro.

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.



The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, Ill have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.



The barman looks at the guy puzzled but says nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.



A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.



The barman gets the drinks and says, its probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think its very fair for him to call you that.



The woman turns to him and smiles and says…

Oh, dont worry, its ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!

A child came home from Sunday School and old his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really Gladly The Cross Id Bear,