DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
Estaban todos los animales de la selva reunidos, cuando el león les anuncia:
Compañeros, los voy a llevar de paseo a un lugar muy bonito.
En aquel momento, el sapo exclama:
¡FÃjate, qué suave!
El león, irritado, lo ve con malos ojos y prosigue:
Y, además, habrá mucha comida y diversión.
Todos las criaturas aplauden y gritan:
¡Ea! ¡Hurra!
Y el sapo:
¡FÃjate, qué suave!
El león, que ya estaba muy enojado les dice:
Ah, pero eso si, no podrá ir un animal que sea verde; que tenga unos ojos saltones y una enorme bocota.
¡Ya te chingaste, pinche cocodrilito!, se burla el sapo.
The number of lawyers and personal computers has increased greatly over the last three decades. Unfortunately, the lawyers havent managed to get twice as fast and half as expensive with each passing year.
Hamlets Cats Soliloquy
To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question: Whether tis better for a cat to suffer The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather That Nature rains on those who roam abroad, Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet, And so by dozing melt the solid hours That clog the clocks bright gears with sullen time And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state A wish to venture forth without delay, Then when the portals opened up, to stand As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep; To choose not knowing when we may once more Our readmittance gain: aye, theres the hairball; For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob, Or work a lock or slip a window-catch, And going out and coming in were made As simple as the breaking of a bowl, What cat would bear the households petty plagues, The cooks well-practiced kicks, the butlers broom, The infants careless pokes, the tickled ears, The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will, He might his exodus or entrance make With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear, Or strays trespassing from a neighbors yard, But that the dread of our unheeded cries And scratches at a barricaded door No claw can open up, dispels our nerve And makes us rather bear our humans faults Than run away to unguessed miseries? Thus caution doth make house cats of us all; And thus the bristling hair of resolution Is softened up with the pale brush of thought, And since our choices hinge on weighty things, We pause upon the threshold of decision.
1. You laugh while inhaling.
2. You play D&D.
3. You are a real virgin, but not a cybervirgin, if ya know what I mean.
4. You are proud of being a cyberpimp.
5. You have acne.
6. You are offended by this because you got 5 out of 5 so far.
| Subject | Grade | Teachers Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Religion | D | To the question Who made the world? persisted in answering My dad. Claims bible originated from the same source. |
| English | D+ | Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures of speech. |
| History | A | Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History. |
| Geography | C- | Assignment on Hot, dry lands was excellent, but shows little interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of Rock. |
| Social Studies | B+ | Shows keen interest in social issues. |
| Mathematics | F | Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about Three in one and I and the father are one. |
| General Science | D | Lacks disipline – e.g., when asked to repeat the experiment for making hydrogen, claimed he knew a better way. |
| Graphic Communication | D | Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil and paper. |
| Consumer Education | C+ | Interesting ideas about alternative life style: Something about living like sparrows and lilies of the fields…too impractical. |
| Art Craft | B | Obviously has imagination and creativity, a good potter – likes working with dirt and water. |
| Material Studies | A | Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously receives help and stimulation at home. |
| Music/Drama | B+ | A keen member of the school choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic. |
| Community Living | A | Keenly interested in all aspects of community. |
| Physical Education | D- | A trouble maker – e.g. during the learn-to-swim campaign insisted on trying to walk across the pool. |
| Health Classes | A | Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the body. |
TEACHERS COMMENT: This boy has a very unhealthy tendency
to form gangs. He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is
seen constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners.
He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends. Also, he should
learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the
school uniform.
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He
notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out, Fifty dollars!
He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back, Five!
She is disappointed and turns away, and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would
have it, the prostitute is still there. But she doesnt want to come down on her
price. Fifty! she shouts.
Bill answers, Five! No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get in shape, so she
demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same
prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, See
what you get for five dollars!
A young couple left the sex therapists office determined to develop more effective body language.
Alright, said the husband, when I want sex, Ill rub your right breast. When I dont want sex, Ill rub your left breast.
Okay, said the wife, What should I do then?
Well, when you want to have sex, he told her, rub my penis once. When you dont want any sex, rub it 200 times.
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this!
Q: What did God say after he created woman?
A: Oh crap… I made made another mistake!
Heya friend:
Okay, like you asked me to … I looked at my TV and tried to learn how to use it. Im always on the computer (which I know very nearly everything there is to know about) but it took me awhile just to figure out how to turn the fool TV-thing on. But read on.
I found my TV but when I turned it on, it didnt give me the Microsoft Windows(tm) boot logo screen like it should. I mean, it was really weird … first thing that happened was I got this black & white fuzzy screen saver with absolutely HORRIBLE sound (like pure white noise, man; Id have sworn at first the sound card in that puppy was shot! Either that, or the screensaver wasnt worth crap) and some big, ugly, neon-green 03 in the upper-right corner (I assumed that it was a volume-level display, which doesnt sound too high, but TRUST ME it needed to be turned down …).
I couldnt decide whether to hold my ears or panic so I tried doing both and started hitting some buttons on the bottom (by the way, what a wuss of a keyboard! sheesh! this thing is worse than the iMacs – and the stupid thing doesnt even come with a mouse or a REAL keyboard … I think the people who dreamed this up took the all-in-one concept a little too far).
Well anyways, I used the power button again (can you say, -BLOOP!- fade to black. Curious,I turned it back on. I found the arrow keys and started pressing them … the big neon-green number kept changing, and each time I did that, it started playing a new movie (never did figure out whether they were MPEGs, MOVs, or AVIs but they were pretty smooth so I assumed it probably had a Pentium II or better under there, plus better-than-decent graphic and sound cards).
Of course, the sound was always one volume with those keys: LOUD. So I guessed whatever that big green number was for, it sure wasnt anything to do with the volume (Later on, I found the +/- keys which controlled the volume and I thought -DOH!- thats not so frustrating after all …).
Anyways, I noticed that each time I returned to a certain number, it was playing the same movie (although with obvious passage of time). Then it hit me! This thing was actually multitasking FULL-SCREEN movies in real-time with POWERFUL ease!!!
Needless to say, my jaw fell open at that thought as my brain concentrated on one single word of awe -WOW!-. This must be some advanced, multi-threaded, resource-efficient operating system, with each big green number representing the current processing thread as it exists in the operating system kernel (I assumed the device must have been in demo power-user debug mode, precisely to impress the upper-crust elite technophile such as myself). By this time, you realize, I understood I was on to some serious stuff. I couldnt wait to find out more.
I played with some more buttons, and was sadly disappointed. All I could do was adjust the contrast, brightness, and picture settings (as an interesting aside, I could make the picture scroll up or down REALLY FAST … I cant imagine the computing horsepower required to pull THAT off … WOW! what a cool toy! dont know why they put that in there; maybe to prove they could … must be some sharp hardware and software designers that worked on this puppy after all!).
Also, I started to get tired of the movies … so I started channel-flipping (I remember hearing the words channel and flip so Ill use them, but I dont know why they call it that when its actually selecting an operating system thread in the kernel to view. On second thought, channel IS shorter but Im not sure where the name came from). I saw other movies and got tired of them. About that time, however, it looked like several movies played out their entire video contents and the TV-computer randomly picked another to start in its place. I was surprised, since I expected that thread to be closed out as each
Still, its actually quite nice overall. It never froze, gave me a BSOD, or crashed – always on, always smooth. I actually watched it until very late one night when all of the sudden, one of the channels (and eventually most of them) put up this off-colored squarish rainbow pattern with this awful high-pitched whine that just wouldnt stop.
Oh! That was even worse than the fuzzy screensaver! (I can see where they cut corners in software development – the desktop themes definitely need a little more work) So I finally went to bed and when I woke up, I looked the TV all over to see if it had a CD-ROM or floppy drive, so I could boot it off Linux or Windows to see if I could hack my way into the operating system … nothing! I guess they hard-wired the operating system in there, because I dont see HOW they could install it … what about upgrades? what if your registry gets fried (assuming its windows) or if root goes crazy and causes a permanent kernel panic (if its linux). I mean, sheesh, didnt these guys do any disaster-preparedness testing? I mean, its obviously a great operating system)!
…
Well, decided to take a break and then come back to the letter, so I did. I think Im becoming a TV convert. I mean, this stuff is cooler than Windows or even Linux. I mean its non-interactive alright, but you get used to it after awhile and its good to relax by. Besides being entertaining just to sit back and watch, I find this device intellectually stimulating as I contemplate the impressive technologies which must be involved. I even find it mildly addictive (and Im sure that its entertainment technology and quality will constantly improve with time).
Also, it has ZERO boot-up time (Ive seen several Pentium III systems eat its dust comparatively), never lags, crashes, or hangs up and I can actually even turn it off in the middle of a movie and not get that annoying Scandisk screen when I turn it back on like I do with my desktop system (talk about user-friendly! except theres no pause feature; maybe that will be implemented in a later model?) And its not linux-based apparently because I didnt see a console screen anywhere, or XWindows. Strange that theyre so secretive with the internals of this black-box device.
But what a device it is! Best of all, it is cheaper than any comparable desktop or notebook computing system I have EVER seen. I mean, you must know what you are talking about – I agree that these things are going to be serious competition to everyday computing as we currently know it. I predict this technology will change the world and the process has probably already begun. I for one will not be left behind!
Well anyways, I took my TV to Radio Shack and asked them to look at it. Strangely enough, everybody started staring at me just walking into the place – like I was lost or didnt belong there or something.
(Shrug)
Anyways, I put the TV on the counter and asked one of the Radio Shack people to tell me how to get to the boot-up menu so I could load the command-prompt and do some registry backups (which must be done in DOS mode not in Windows mode, as you well know).
I swear, that man gave me a blank stare for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. I was being insulted! I got a little hot under the collar so I grabbed the TV with a Well, fine! remark and stormed out. I plan to write a letter to the editor of the paper to explain my situation and complain about the rude service at my local Radio Shack (surely their unprofessional behavior will be shamed in the public light) and ask publicly for anyone to help me with the TV setup or if there are any local TV users groups anywhere in the area and what time they have meetings. I mean, Im a smart guy, and I dont appreciate being a lot of good to offer in user groups like that at least, even if I cant help the bozos at Radio Shack.
Well, anyway, youre a friend, and you understand. I know you well enough to say you wont be laughing at me right now. Friends are compassionate and helpful, and I seem to be running low on them down here. I mean, man! An entire Radio Shack store of people, LAUGHING and POINTING at me! What a bunch of rude, uncivilized cretins! Dont they have any standards of social decency? I even tried to explain to the guy that I knew exactly what I was doing, as I have installed several operating systems before, and I knew the exact locations and compositions of the Windows 9x and NT registries as well, plus I even knew how to use RegEdit without breaking a sweat (really! Im -THAT- good … no thanks to THESE helpful goons).
I mean, (and you know this!) Im a grade-A computer nerd! I really dont NEED these peoples help! I was just trying to save myself some learning-curve time. Ill just figure it out ON MY OWN and then when THEY come to ME and ask ME questions well see whos laughing THEN! HMMMPH! (Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Ive never been treated like this before. Before my advice has always been sought and respected and all of the sudden everyone treats me like I havent got a clue, and I just dont understand why. But Ill show them. TV is the wave of the future – whether they like it or not!).
REVENGE OF THE NERD DAY IS COMING AND ITS GOING TO BE SWEET!
Copyright (C) 2000 by Byron (Curt) Curtis Smith, Jr.
This article may be freely copied and distributed in unaltered form as long as this copyright notice remains intact. Any other use requires written permission by the author. Enjoy!