Old and New Jokes

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.

Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You dont think Jeffs jokes are funny.

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the Tricky Dick Virus, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store, the alarm went off!

Están dos mexicanos tomando y uno le dice al otro:

¡Que viva la Menstruación!

Compadre, querrá decir: ¡Que viva la Revolución!

Es lo mismo, ¡lo importante es que corra sangre!

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit. 9 Iron

The man looks round and doesnt see anyone so he tries again. Ribbit. 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.



He says to the frog, Wow thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh? The frog replys Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog. The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. was the reply.



The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, Ok where to next? The frog reply, Ribbit Las Vegas.



They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, Ok frog, now what? The frog says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, what do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit $3000 black 6. Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.



The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, Frog, I dont know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit, Kiss Me.



He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.



All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.



And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

For women – Helpful info.

For men – For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Dont breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasnt effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!

A friend of mine told me that his brother shot a nice 9-point buck this hunting season. While back at the farm one evening, his twin four year old nephews came for a visit. The uncle, being extremely proud of his prize deer, asked the boys if they would like to see it. They did. So they went down to the machine shed, where the buck was hanging for all to see.

The uncle stepped up to the door of the machine shed, and with his chest puffed out in pride, swung the door of the shed open.

Wow! exclaimed one of the boys. Look at that John Deere tractor!

And the two of them ran over to the tractor, completely ignoring the deer.

Needless to say, the uncles hunting partners are not letting him forget this. I heard a rumor that he is getting a toy John Deere tractor for Christmas this year.