Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agents hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, Have I got all
ye say there?
The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why dye ask?
Replied Murphy, Cancel the sale…tis too good to part with.
Q: What does a chicken say when there is a fire in his coop?
A: Wheres the egg-sit?
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.
Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of?
The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.
The blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, Id advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogs Frosted Flakes back in the box.
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far eastern country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesnt want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first. What do you wish for yourself?
I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.
Okay, that shall be granted to you.
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Muellers mother-in-laws turn. What do you wish for yourself?
I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.
Okay, that shall be granted to you.
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself. What do you wish for yourself?
I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?
Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.
I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?
I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.
A guy walks into a bar and notices a good looking blonde sitting alone at the bar. He wanders over and notices that she has the name NAN on her shirt. He says, Excuse me Nan, can I buy you a drink?
She says: Yes you can but my name isnt Nan, its Sue. NAN stands for National Organization of Nymphomaniacs.
He then asks her what NAN does. She explains that NAN is basically a research organization that studies sexual experiences between males and females based on race, age, experience, class status, ect.
He then asks what has she learned? She replies, Well from what my personal research tells me, Native Americans are the most experienced, Jewish men have the best stamina and its true that African Americans are better endowed then your average white male.
She then thanks the man for the drink and asks him his name.
He smiles and says, Lightfoot Goldberg, but my friends call me Bubba.
There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?
He said, Why yes I am!
She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!
First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but remember
its just a joke!
Polandss Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…
But how the heck did you burn the other ear? The doctor asked.
How do you think I called you people?
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.