Old and New Jokes

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Era domingo, y el zoologico estaba lleno de visitantes. Todos querían ver la nueva adquisición del parque: un enorme gorila traído -decía el folleto explicativo- de una remota región de Africa donde nunca el hombre ha dejado huella.

Entre los que acudieron a contemplarlo se hallaba un paralítico en su silla de ruedas.

De pronto se produjo una enorme conmoción: el gorila se había enfurecido, mostraba dientes y garras en actitud de ataque y se daba tremendos golpes en el pecho. La gente retrocedía asustada.

El fiero animal empezo con sus membrudos brazos a doblar los barrotes de su jaula. Los rompió por fin, y salió de ella.

Espantada, la gente echó a correr por todas partes. El pobre paralítico también se apresuraba en su silla de ruedas, pero se iba quedando atras, casi al alcance del gorila, que corría tras de la muchedumbre.

Un guardia que acudía vio los apuros del desdichado y empezo a gritar, a fin de que la gente lo ayudara:

¡El paralítico! ¡El paralítico!

El paralitico se voltea y le grita con gran rencor al guardia:

¡Deja que el gorila escoja, hijo de la chingada!

A little girl was asked by her mother what she wants for Christmas.

Barbie and GI Joe, she said.

But darling, the mother said, Barbie doesnt come with GI Joe, Barbie comes with Ken.

No mommy, the little girl replied, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she only fakes with Ken.

This guy gets a notice to show up at the IRS office to answer some questions about his last tax return. His wife advises him to wear clothes with holes and his worn-out shoes. Make them think youre poor.

Then he goes and asks his lawyer how he should dress. Dont let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and your sharpest tie!

The guy is overwhelmed. With these two different opinions, he still doesnt know how he should dress. As a last resort, he goes to see his rabbi, explains his situation, the two contradictory opinions, and asks him what he should do.

The rabbi answers: A woman, on the verge of getting married, asks her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. Wear a long flannel night shirt which buttons at the neck, she answers. But when the bride-to-be asks the same question to her best friend, she gets this answer: Wear your sexiest nightie, the one thats open down to your navel.

The guy interrupts the rabbi: But what does all this have to do with the IRS?

The rabbi nods and says: Whatever you wear, youre gonna get screwed.

In the beginning was the Plan

and then came the assumptions

and the assumptions were without form

and the plan was completely without substance

and the darkness was upon the faces of the employees

and they spake amongst themselves, saying

It is a crock of shit and it stinks!

and the employees went unto their supervisors, saying: It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

and the supervisors went unto their division managers, saying: It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength.

and the division managers went unto their system managers, saying: It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.

and the general manager went unto the Board, saying: It promotes growth and is very powerful.

and the general manager went unto the Board, saying: This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization.

and the Board looked upon the plan and saw that it was good

and the Plan became Policy

This is how shit happens.

Q. Do all men really masturbate?A. Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. Its been passed on from our primal forefathers, and itll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women dont express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.Q. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?A. Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)Q. Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?A. It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) Q. Why are men such dogs?A. I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient… We men are nothing like dogs.Q. Why are men so annoying?A. Were not. Youre just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?Q. Why do men always assume its that time of the month?A. Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle thats just too much for us males to track. Its simply easier for men to assume that its that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.Q. Why cant men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?A. Women either talk incessantly about their mate or only call when theyre having relationship trouble. Most women dont even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: Whats the deal with this male bonding business?)Q. Whats the deal with this male bonding business?A. The answer to this question, again lies in mens evolutionary roots. In prehistoric times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he hadinvented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers labor pain to the babys father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked
the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transferALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead
on their porch.

Personal ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.

My fiancee who is slightly twisted (obvious from her help on the last carol I posted) came up with this earlier this year.

Deck the halls with gasoline.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Light a match and watch them gleam.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Watch the school burn down to ashes.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Arent you glad you played with matches.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

See the blazing school before us.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Shoot the band and hang the chorus.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Toast professors like marshmellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Arent they such delicious fellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCalls, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, Ive found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, Ive found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when theyre depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;

think its too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;

dont celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-doeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.