Old and New Jokes

What do you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They dont even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldnt be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that theyve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! ITS A WONDER WE HAVENT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

. . . Im sorry … what did you ask me?

A: More leg room.

Forwarded from another list. You may have to be a fan of the show to understand them. No offense to any Borg out there.

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Illumination is irrelevant.

Q. What does a depressed Borg say?

A. Everythings NOT futile.

Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?

A: Standing there was futile.

Have you ever tried to iron one?

Estaba una pareja en casa de la novia acariciándose ardientemente. De pronto, la chica, ya muy excitada, le saca el pene al novio; comienza a acariciarlo y termina por introducirlo en su boca. En ese momento llega la madre y pregunta escandalizada:

¿Qué está pasando?

El novio, agachado y aún con el pene fuera del pantalón, le contesta:

Estoy buscando un ratón. ¿Dónde estará ese maldito ratón?

Enfurecida, la suegra le grita:

¿Lo estás buscando para matarlo o para cogértelo, cabrón?

Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.



Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.



Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere



Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.



Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.



Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.



Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.



Q: Why are men like laxatives?



A: They irritate the shit out of you





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Q: Why did God create man?

A: Because vibrators dont mow lawns





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Q: What are two reasons men dont mind their own business?

A: No mind-No business





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Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends





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Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: You never know when hes coming, how many inches youll get or how long it will last.





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Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they dont hump womens legs at cocktail parties





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Q: Why cant men get mad cow disease?

A: Because theyre all pigs

A device for catching zoids.

There were these two guys that worked together, a black guy and a white
guy.

Every morning the black would come into work in a pissed-off mood, but the
white guy was always really happy and friendly to everyone.

Well one day the black decided to find out how the white guy managed to be
so happy day after day. He asked the white guy Man, how do you stay so
damn happy all of the time?

The white guy answered, Well, every morning, I recite my wife a poem so I
can get laid before I come into work!

The black says, Hey, thats a pretty good idea, man! What do you say?

The white guy replies, Well, this morning, I wrote her this poem: Honey,
with your hair so blond and your eyes so blue, all I wanna do is make love
to you!

The black decides to try this with his wife.

The next morning, the black guy walks into work with a bloody lip, a broken
nose, and scratches all down his face!

The white guy asks him what happened.

The black guy says, I tried reciting poetry to my wife like you do!

The white guy asks What the hell did you say to her?

The black guy goes, I said, Honey, with your hair so nappy and your eyes like
a frog, bend your fat ass over, let me do ya like a dog!

Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.