Old and New Jokes

Golden Retriever:

The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?

Border Collie:

Just one. And then Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code.

Dachshund:

You know I cant reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:

Make me.

Lab:

Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Siberian Husky:

Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while hes busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:

Ill just pop it in while Im bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:

Ill just blow in the Border Collies ear and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:

Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:

While its dark, Im going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:

Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark …

Mastiff:

Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:

Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:

Can somebody else do it? Ive got this hangover…..

Pointer:

I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….

Greyhound:

It isnt moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:

First, Ill put all the light bulbs in a little circle …

Old English Sheep Dog:

Light bulb? Im sorry, but I dont see a light bulb?

German Shepherd:

Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!

Great Dane:

Do any of you need to reach the lightbulb by climbing on my back ???

Hound Dog:

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:

Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.

6. Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.

7. Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.

8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.

9. Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.

10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

13. Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.

18. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.

19. A mans idea of serious commitment is usually Oh all right, Ill stay the night.

There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her husband. He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him — her husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that she did. When the wife came out, the husband asked her, “so what is the matter with me? Am I going to die?” And the wife said, “Yes, honey, Im afraid youre going to die.”

One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite.

At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life.

It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth – in vain.

It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesnt use them?

It happens that hes the first one to ask a direct question in the things presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a second, booms, IT COULDNT, and squats down again.

Migod, exclaims the xenobiologist, of course! It only stands to reason!

From Spider Robinsons Off the Wall at Calahans.

Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.

Yo mama so lazy shes got a remote control just to operate her remote!

There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said needed for paint job, Come here. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.

She said,Im here for the paint job;and the guy said,Ok.Heres the paint I want you to paint the porch.



She said, No Problem, and set off to work. She finished the first coating and decided because it didnt take very long she would give it a second coat.



She finished the second and knocked on the door. She said, I gave it two coats and oh,by the way, Its not a porsche, Its a ferrarie.

I would have to say that my favorite movie of all time is Annie. I
especially love the part where DeNiro plays Russian Roulette in the VC
prison camp. Wait, that was The Deer Hunter… Oh, what the hell — I
love em both!

– Dave George

Weve got the
Atkins diet, the South Beach diet and the Jenny Craig diet. Id like to
introduce an even cheaper and more effective diet, the COSTCO diet! Its
cost effective and easy to do even on your busiest shopping day. Heres
how it works.
Start by making a grocery list of 10 or more items and then head to your
local COSTCO or similar warehouse store. When you get there, carefully
tear your list into strips and put all the strips in your pocket. Grab
a shopping cart and youre ready to go!
Pull out the first strip and make your way all the way across the store
to that item. As you trek through the store, you will see vendors giving
out free food samples. As you pass the third one, take a sample of what
ever they are selling. Repeat with each strip of paper until you have
finished your shopping. By the time you are finished, you will have eaten
5 to 10 samples and will have walked at least 5 miles.
There are several important points to remember;
1) There is a law of nature that says, "Whatever you look for in
COSTCO will be on the opposite side of the warehouse." This ensures
that you will walk far enough to satisfy the American Heart Associations
exercise requirement.
2) Do not skip the melba-toast with cream cheese sample in order to get
the Ben and Jerrys ice cream sample. Its the randomness of the food
selection that guarantees a balanced diet.
3) Do not double dip. Getting two samples from the same vendor at the
same time is NOT acceptable. We know you wont get two samples of fried
squid to make up for it, so dont kid yourself when you grab that second
cup of ice cream.
If you dont have paper to write your shopping list on, you can get a
similarly random list by calling your spouse. "Hi! Im at Costco,
want anything?" will almost always result in half a dozen things
that you just have to buy. Dont forget to pick up a 10 pack of writing
tablets on aisle 10.