Old and New Jokes

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner dont do wonders cleaning this up, Ill eat every chunk of it. She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup on that? The salesman says, Why do you ask? She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned on yet.

While attending US Armys Airborne School…..
Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes,
students are called Ariborne) demonstrated all the possible
malfunctions one might encounter. After watching a total malfunction,
i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: SGT
Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to
deploy our reserve parachutes?

Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!

Gulp.

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred….
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…

But how did you burn the other ear? The doctor asked.

How do you think I called you people?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

70. Let mice loose in his/her room.

Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.

– 36 Long

whats another word for fag?
Matthew Burciaga

(From a collection of anecdotes from behind the Iron Curtain:)

Q. Who were the first Communists?

A. Adam and Eve. They had no clothes, no apartment, only one apple between
them, and thought they lived in Paradise.