Old and New Jokes

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Ben Dover



And



C. Howlett Fields



Attorneys At Law

Brilliants Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.

An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.

-Sam Levenson

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven…

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, Well, Forest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

Forest responds, It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test aint too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is Gods first name?

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.

Forest says, Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that ones easy; thatd be Today and Tomorrow! The saints eyes open wide and he exclaims, Forest! Thats not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didnt specify, so I give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one says Saint Peter, how many seconds in a year?

Now that ones harder, says Forest. But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.

Astounded, Saint Peter says, Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?

Forest says, Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….. Hold it, interrupts Saint Peter. I see where youre going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind. Ill give you credit for that one too.

Lets go on with the next and final question, says Saint Peter, Can you tell me Gods first name?

Forest says, Well shore, I know Gods first name. Everbody probly knows it. Its Howard.

Howard? asks Saint Peter. What makes you think its Howard?

Forest answers, Its in the prayer.

The prayer? asks Saint Peter, Which prayer?

The Lords Prayer, responds Forest: Our Father, Howard be thy name….

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if she has any last words. The red-head points and says, “Twister!” The terrorists ran in all different directions and the red-headed woman gets away. When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last words. She points and says, “Fire!”

A guy gos to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news. The guy says well gimme the worst news first. The doc says well sir you have Cancer.The guy says thats terrible news, but whats the bad news? The doc says well sir you also have Alzheimers disease. And the guy says well, at least I dont have Cancer.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

Existían 10 bellas islas desiertas en medio de la nada, donde quedaron varadas las siguientes personas:

Isla Desierta 1: 2 italianos y 1 italiana.

Isla Desierta 2: 2 franceses y 1 francesa.

Isla Desierta 3: 2 alemanes y 1 alemana.

Isla Desierta 4: 2 griegos y 1 griega.

Isla Desierta 5: 2 ingleses y 1 inglesa.

Isla Desierta 6: 2 búlgaros y una búlgara.

Isla Desierta 7: 2 estadounidenses y 1 estadounidense.

Isla Desierta 8: 2 japoneses y 1 japonesa.

Isla Desierta 9: 2 irlandeses y 1 irlandesa.

Isla Desierta 10: 2 españoles y 1 española.

Un mes después, en estas islas completamente desiertas, en medio de la nada, ocurrió lo siguiente:

Isla Desierta 1: Un italiano mató al otro para quedarse con la italiana.

Isla Desierta 2: Los dos franceses y la francesa viven muy felices en un menage à trois.

Isla Desierta 3: Los dos alemanes hicieron una programación semanal donde ellos se turnan para tener sexo con la alemana.

Isla Desierta 4: Los dos griegos están durmiendo juntos y la griega limpia y les cocina.

Isla Desierta 5: Los 2 ingleses están esperando que alguien les presente a la inglesa.

Isla Desierta 6: Los 2 búlgaros miraron el mar, luego miraron a la búlgara, miraron el mar nuevamente y empezaron a nadar.

Isla Desierta 7: Los 2 estadounidenses están contemplando las virtudes del suicidio, mientras la estadounidense continúa hablando de ella, de la verdadera naturaleza del feminismo, de como ella puede hacer todo lo que ellos pueden hacer, de la necesidad de la tranquilidad interior, de la igualdad, de la división de las tareas domésticas, de como su último novio respetaba la opinión de ella, etc.; pero por lo menos no está lloviendo y los impuestos son menores.

Isla Desierta 8: Los 2 japoneses enviaron un fax a Tokio y están esperando instrucciones.

Isla Desierta 9: Los irlandeses dividieron la isla en Norte y Sur, en donde cada uno abrió una cervecería. Ellos no se acuerdan si han tenido sexo o no con la irlandesa después de algunos litros de whisky de coco, pero están satisfechos porque los ingleses no están allí.

Isla Desierta 10: Cada español piensa que la española tiene relaciones sexuales solamente con él.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:



Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

Form a loose grip.

Keep your head down.

Avoid a quick backswing.

Stay out of the water.

Try not to hit anyone.

If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

Dont stand directly in front of others.

Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

Dont take extra strokes.