Old and New Jokes

Bush, Jean Chretien, the Pope and an eight year old girl are in a plane. Suddenly, the pilot says that plane has some malfunctions and they have to jump out. There were only three parachutes so Bush grabs one, puts it on and says I am an important person, the American people depend on me! and jumped. Jean Chretien picks one up and says I am an important person, the Canadian people depend on me! and jumped. The Pope turns to the little girl and says You jump. I have lived my life! But the little girl says We can both jump, Jean Chretien jumped with my backpack!

The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-storey office. His voluptuous private sectretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.

After my very first week on the job, she said, I recieved a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.

At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost.

I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten. Thats when he jumped out the window.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football — see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, I need some tampons!!
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible Sex and Candy
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think weve got a Code 3 in Housewares, and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I havent seen you in so long!… etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, Who BUYS this shit, anyway?
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of womens panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, Wow. Magic!
* Put M&Ms on layaway.
* Move Caution: Wet Floor signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,…Im Batman. Come, Robin — to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell hello upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why wont you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, Red Rover!
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect…)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no ones watching, quickly switch the mens and womens signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyones jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a Valet Parking sign in front of the store.
* Two words: Marco Polo.
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* Re-alphabetize the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.* Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like the fat man walks alone, and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, No, no! Its those voices again!
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you dont get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: Hi! (giggle) Whats your sign? (giggle). When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. Hi! (giggle) Whats your sign? (giggle).
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., Do you have any Shnerples here?
* Ride a display bicycle through the store — claim youre taking it for a test drive.
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples carts when they arent paying attention.

A guy takes his broken pecker to a doctor for treatment. The doctor tells him theres nothing he can do for him except wrap it up with a splint. That night he and his girlfriend are necking and she keeps waiting for him to go a little further.

She removes her blouse and says, Look at this … untouched by human hands.

He doesnt respond.

Then she removes her pants and says, Look at this … untouched by human hands.

At this, he jumps up, drops his drawers and says, Look at this … still in the crate.

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit of desperate inspiration, he takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked, What in the world are you doing?!

The student answered, Im following the instructions. The test paper clearly states that we should answer the questions in brief.

Dont you wish when life is bad
and things just dont compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well shes just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

Youd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Network – Scoopn up a big fish before it breaks the line.

A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.

When he asks what the problem is, the friend says When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. Ive tried everything, but she doesnt moan, doesnt scream, doesnt even move



The guy pats his friend on the back and says Yeah, she does that with me, too.

Mary was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.



On a woman, the doctor said, the heart would be just below your left breast.? Later that night, Mildred was found in the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

He Said…She Said:



He said… I dont know why you wear a bra; youve got nothing to put in it.

She said…You wear briefs, dont you?



He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.



He said… This coffee isnt fit for a pig!

She said…No problem, Ill get you some that is.



She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said… Its not my fault…I ran out of money.



He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, Ive wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said…Well, you succeeded.



Priest… I dont think you will ever find another man like your late husband.

She said…Whos gonna look?



He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said…No, have you?



He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.



He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.



He said… Lets go out and have some fun tonight.

She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.