It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe. Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is. Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss. Thats not why its there. Ok, I give up. Why is it there? Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.
Ive developed
halitosis
My urine is rank and yellow
Yet Im a happy fellow
In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,
Deviled eggs and cheese
Make no mistake:
Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away
A few each energetic day
Will it be the Boston Marathon
Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin
And Im down to one chin
I feel eighteen again
No pain, yet I dont gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,
And making me lean
Once a major carb freak,
Now Im getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop
But you made me stop
All those other diets are a crock
And Im in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse
But I feel like Mr. Universe
And I had to tell somebody
About my new body.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.OK, OK, do you see that tree out there? he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.Yes, yes, yes! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.Good, said the first bat, Because I didnt!
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, just one. But this bulb wont do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out ….
The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But, he says, Im not going to finish rechecking my answers!
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin!
Every silver lining has a hem.
Generic Drug Names:
Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.
So whats the generic name for viagra?
Mydixadroopin
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, lets say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day. Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
Help me find my ball, you look over there, he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. Ive found my ball! he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, After all the years weve been friends, youd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?
What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!
And a liar, too!!! Sid says with amazement. Ill have you know Ive been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!