Old and New Jokes

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?


A: Its called Debbie Does Dishes.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, So did my arthritis.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you?


Not too good,says the mother. Ive been very weak.


The son says, Why are you so weak?


She says, Because I havent eaten in 38 days.


The man says, Thats terrible. Why havent you eaten in 38 days?


The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth filled with food if you called.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother hes been given a part in the school play.


Wonderful. What part is it?


The boy says,I play the part of the Jewish husband.


The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A. Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?


A. (Sigh) Dont bother, Ill sit in the dark, I dont want to be a nuisance to anybody.

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several credit cards with Mrs. Johnsons name on them.

Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.

Police: But dont you want your credit cards back?

Mr. Johnson: No. Hes been spending only about half as much as Mrs. Johnson.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

your mamma is so fat,the airplane couldnt take off with her on board!

your mamma is so fat, she got stretch marks on her shadow!

31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

A wife, one evening, drew her husbands attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why dont you do that?

I would love to, replied the husband, but I dont know her well enough.

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldnt have these problems, I said in the memo. One customer responded with What kind of shampoo do you recommend?

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: Gee, how much does one of these weigh?

Me: It depends on how much data is on the disk.

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: Whats wrong with the computer?

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: Broken muffler belt.

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: Oh, thats bad. Can you call Midas?

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

Caller: Whats the name for when youre entering data into the computer?

HD: Data Entry.

Caller: Thank you!

Overheard in a student computer lab:

Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says Enter your name and press RETURN. What do I do??

Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.

Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint giving him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight him, run him off or kill him, but Im KEEPING ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem…You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. Im just making sure he knows Im a bull.

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.