An Italian suppository.
17
Jun
17
Jun
If it is all the same to you I wont be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
17
Jun
A lecturer at a medical college asked a colleague to help him with a shenanigan. He explained that he was shortly conducting a tour for prospective students, during which they would be coming down to the vaults to get their first look at a corpse. The idea was that his friend would play the corpse, and when his drawer was opened and the visitors were examining he would suddenly jump to his feet, thereby scaring the life out of them.
The friend agreed, and at the appointed hour the lecturer loaded him into the cold storage unit.
It was only when he was inside that he realized that the storage unit was not divided into individual cubicles. Instead, each slab was suspended on rails in a large open chamber, and he was surrounded by corpses on all sides.
After a few minutes he found the whole thing a bit too creepy, and he began hesitantly to call out things like, Errm, Dave… maybe this wasnt such a good idea after all… dyou think you could let me out, Ive changed my mind… Are you listening? … Is There Anyone Out There? … HEELLLOOO…, HELP???!!!
Whereupon the body on the slab next to him leaned over, tapped him on the shoulder and, in a deep voice, said, Would you keep the noise down, theres people in here trying to sleep!
Naturally he screamed, and started hammering to be let out. Finally the drawer was opened and his slab was pulled out. He leapt off into the outside room… where most of the faculty were waiting for him, having been listening outside the whole time.
17
Jun
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh!
Never have a white Christmas,
When you in Melbourne live,
Wearing hot pants on the beach,
When you your presents give!
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh!
Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk,
Castles in the sand,
Eating ice-cream, having good talks,
Warm Christmas, isnt that grand?
16
Jun
Un ciclista es detenido por la policÃa de carreteras. Usted no lleva casco y voy a tener que multarle.
Le responde el ciclista: Hombre no lo sabÃa que era obligatorio, por favor deme una oportunidad.
Mire, a mi me gustan las adivinanzas, asà que le haré una y si la acierta no le multo.
Muy bien.
Es de noche, y a lo lejos se ven dos luces redondas una junto a la otra, ¿de qué se trata?
¡Ah! Es fácil, un automóvil.
SÃ, correcto,pero eso es muy general, hay que especificar la marca, un mercedes, un BMW, etc. Lo siento tendré que multarle.
Otra oportunidad por favor.
Muy bien. Es de noche y se acerca una luz cuadrada, ¿de qué se trata?
Muy fácil, una motocicleta.
SÃ, correcto, pero una Harley Davison, una Kawasaki. Lo siento pero eso es muy general, lo multaré.
Por último el cilsta le dice al policÃa: Perdón, esta vez lo haremos al revés, ¿le parece?
El guardia duda y al final acepta. Y le dice al policÃa el ciclista: Es de noche. En el borde de la carretera hay una mujer de aspecto provocativo y con una extrema minifalda, ¿de qué se trata?
El policÃa sin dudar responde: Facil, de una prostituta.
Y el ciclista le contesta. SÃ muy bien, pero eso es muy general, y hay que especificar, se trata de su mujer, de su hija o de su madre.
16
Jun
Youre so bald, it looks like your neck blew a bubble.
16
Jun
The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.
16
Jun
DETROIT–With third-quarter salessluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motorsunveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulousprizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will comestandard in all of the companys 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been soexciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contestto boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game,your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Ora years worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially beginuntil Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, withfeedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control,I thought to myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner!" saidCincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabrethey were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck."When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all Icould think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read thatairbag!" Hartford, CT, resident Jonathan Ryersonwas killed Sunday when his 1997 Pontiac LeMans hit a freight train. Ryerson won $50 in theaccident. "Its really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severebrain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "Ive already crashed four cars tryingto win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win thosetickets–even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is wellenough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GMofficials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In thepast, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats understandable. After all, theyre scaryand dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now,when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Whowouldnt like that?" Offerman added that in the event amotorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GMs official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, abrand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say thereal chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds ofgetting in a serious car accident in the first place–approximately 1 in 720,000–theactual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee theairbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new ChevyCavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, andbecause it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didnt even inflate. But whatreally gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. Thats just wrong."
16
Jun
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!, he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out Oh my God!….
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I dont exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian? Very well, said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.
16
Jun
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows
if theyre intelligent.
I do so by asking them the right questions, says the Queen. Allow
me to demonstrate.
She phones Tony Blair and says, Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer
this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?
Tony Blair responds, Its me, maam.
Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir, says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, Did you get that, Mr. Bush?
Yes maam. Thanks a lot. Ill definitely be using that!
Upon returning to Washington, he decides hed better put the Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons
Jesse Helms to the White House and says, Senator Helms, I wonder if
you can answer a question for me.
Why, of course, sir. Whats on your mind?
Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, Can I think about it and get
back to you?
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other
senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms
calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
Now look here, Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who
is it?
Powell answers immediately, Its me, of course, you dumb ass.
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! Its Colin Powell!
And Bush replies in disgust, Wrong, you dumb ass, Its Tony Blair!