They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, I would love to, your honour, but it all happened so fast!
14
Jun
13
Jun
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
Dad, listen, he shouted, I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.
Settled it! cried his astonished father. Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!
13
Jun
There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, who were going to be shot.
On the day of the executions, they take the Scotsman outside.
Any last words?, they asked.
He yelled Earthquake! and whilst the firing squad were running about in a panic, he climbed the wall and got away.
The Englishman, seeing this, thought hed try it, so when his turn came.
He shouted Flood!, and similarly escaped in the ensuing confusion.
The Irishman thought this was a good plan, too so when they asked him for his last words, he yelled Fire!
13
Jun
En la calle, un oficial de tránsito sigue a un tipo que va manejando estupendamente su auto. Cuando lo alcanza, en una luz roja, ve que son tres sujetos y le señala al chofer:
¡Caramba, amigo, maneja usted muy bien! En la comandancia ofrecen un premio en efectivo a la persona que mejor maneje en esta ciudad y usted es el ganador. ¿Qué va hacer con su dinero?
Pues voy a sacar mi licencia de manejo.
No le haga caso, oficial, es que está borracho, asegura el copiloto.
¡Ya ven, yo les dije que no era buena idea robarnos este auto!, reclama el de atrás.
13
Jun
Q: Why is atheism a non-profit religion?
A: They have no prophets!
13
Jun
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes!
13
Jun
Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate Mother: Sikh.
Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese.The officer mumbles,
How come you write Chinese when both parents are Sikh?Sardarji utters,
Aah, I read a newspaper, it says that every
4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.
12
Jun
Todays Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
12
Jun
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
12
Jun
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldnt contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished they fell asleep and didnt wake up till 8 oclock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking hes pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where hes been.
The man replies I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
Thats why Im late.
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, I see those grass stains on your shoes. Youve been playing golf again, havent you!