Old and New Jokes

When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less.

Because he sucked on the organ.

I can do without the essentials,
but I must have my luxuries.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a bona fide Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. Let me tell you, Buffy, she confided, they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite – and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie em up. And thats not all! Its a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened? Well, Virginia admitted, Ill admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texans jeans, I changed my mind!

Whats with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; Id better carpet the toilet too.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant Ill just say, Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, theyre killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, lets make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Cant we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why dont they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why dont you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a building? It looks like theyre finished. Why isnt it a built?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isnt that the basic idea behind the wheel? Dont they rotate on their own?

All the kings HORSES and all the kings men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldnt put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!

Isnt it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, Oh, man, I cant wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still cant get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys cant even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it! I think not.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
Dear, she chirped, I think its time to tell him hes adopted.

From janet, the ftp sysmonster:

A woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says,
Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about
Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one
last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and
I meant to say, please pass the salt, but instead I
said, You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

1. Si (el nombre de tu presidente) es la respuesta, ha de ser una pregunta estúpida.

2. La mujer que quiere ser igual al hombre, no tiene ambiciones.

3. Bienvenido a (el nombre de tu pueblo), ahora regresa a tu casa.

4. Mi otra esposa tiene un Mercedes.

5. Tu hijo es buen estudiante, pero tú eres todavía un IDIOTA.

6. Lo siento, pero no salgo con otras especies.

7. No robes, el gobierno odia la competencia.

8. Toca la bocina si eres Dios.

9. Nadie es feo después de las 2 a.m.

10. Cúbreme… Estoy cambiando de carril.

11. Reporta como manejo al 1800 COME MIERDA.

12. Sonríe, es lo segundo mejor que puedes hacer con tus labios.

13. Padre orgulloso del reo del mes, en la Correccional del Norte.

14. Los amigos no dejan que sus amigos manejen desnudos.

15. Si el dinero pudiera hablar me diría adiós.

16. Apoya la vida salvaje, haz una fiesta.

17. Precaución, aprendiendo a manejar.

18. El peor día de pesca es mejor que el mejor día de trabajo.

19. Cínicas son personas que saben el precio de todo; pero no saben el valor de nada.

20. Podré ser gordo, pero tú eres feo. Y yo puedo perder peso.

21. ¿Sin radio?.¡Ya te lo robaron!

22. DONADOR DE ORGASMOS.

23. Mi abogado es mejor que el tuyo.

24. No rías, tu hija puede venir en este auto.

25. Tantos peatones, y tan poco tiempo.

26. 90% de la gente es hecha por accidente.

27. Tomé un examen de inteligencia, resultó negativo.

28. Mi esposa se escapó con mi mejor amigo; seguro lo extrañaré.

29. Nena, soy tuyo.

30. Yo no sufro de locura, la disfruto cada minuto.

31. Los asesinos lo hacen por detrás.

32. Aprende de los errores de tus padres: usa anticonceptivos.

33. Nena la vida es un banquete, CÓMEME.

34. El tiempo es el mejor maestro. Lastimosamente mata a todos sus estudiantes.

35. ¿Qué fue primero, las mujeres o los centros comerciales?

36. Un beso es una persuasión superior para una futura invasión inferior.

37. AMOR, dos vocales, dos consonantes, dos personas.

38. A todas las vírgenes por ahí, gracias por nada.

39. Una mente sucia es una cosa maravillosa.

40. De acuerdo con mis cálculos, el problema no existe.

41. Sigue tocando la bocina. Estoy recargando mi ametralladora.

42. Muchas personas siguen vivas por que es ilegal matarlas.

43. Mi bocina no funciona. Busque las señales manuales.

44. Yo amo a los animales… Sobre todo con salsa de tomate.

45. Yo freno si tengo alucinaciones. ¡Cuidado!

46. Yo freno por los animales; acelero con niños pequeños.

47. Un cantinero es un farmacéutico con inventario limitado.

48. Estoy fuera de la cama y vestido, ¿qué más quieres?

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.



For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.



He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.



As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.



The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.



On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?



I sure did, responded the pessimist. Your dog cant swim!