Old and New Jokes

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this seems worse than usual.

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, whats the hold-up?

The officer replied, The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So were taking up a collection for him.

The lobbyist asks, How much have you got so far?

The officer replies, About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds.

Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.

No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!

The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes, Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, The darn gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair.

I was sitting in the back of a taxi one day when I noticed the driver went straight threw a red light. I said to him, you just drove straight threw a red light! He replied, Ah its ok, my brother does it all the time. Not long after that, he drove threw another red light, and again he responded, its ok, my brother does it all the time. I was starting to get a bit worried, when he slammed his breaks on right in front of a green light. I yelled What did you stop for!? he turned around and replied; My brother might be comin the other way…

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!

Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!

Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.

But I did send them., replied the man.

What? shouted the lawyer?

I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.

[From Alberts wife Wilma, who claims it is true:]

One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern
Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations
in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth
would be hurtful if not down right cruel.

As a particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby
–and, sadly, they do exist– the prospective minister is taught
to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted Why! Its a baby!

So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention. The Bishop,
making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is
also a recent, proud papa. Looking down, the Bishop says, Why, its
a baby! whereupon the young minister decks him.

Q: Whats the name of a good English horn player?
A: Ill tell you when I meet one.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company.



After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.



Perhaps I shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth, but… Hows your health?



Its OK, he answers. Im not getting any younger, but I dont have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.



Well, then, she replies I dont want to be a snoop, but Ive got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?



So-so. Im not rich, but Im comfortable. You dont have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.



The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain –

And hows your sex life….



Infrequently, he declares.



The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking…

And is that one word or two?

For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

Menckens Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.