Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Slash

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, this is a special day. Im celebrating.

Im celebrating, too, she said, clinking glasses with him.

What are you celebrating? he asked.

For years Ive been trying to have a child, she replied, Today my gynecologist told me Im pregnant!

Congratulations, the man said, lifting his glass. As it happens, Im a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today theyre finally fertile.

How did it happen?

I switched cocks.

Ill drink to that, she said, smiling.

Your Mama is so fat that when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her.

The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.

It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;

It leadeth me away from faith;

It destroys my soul;

It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors sake.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,

there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;

Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.

It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my worldliness.

It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism;

my coveting runneth over.

Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house,

just watching TV all the time.

Do you know what an Australian kiss is?Its just like a French kiss, but you do it down-under.

Be amazed 🙂

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot
of testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training
and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a
woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one
of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances, they explained. Inside this room, you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, You cant be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!

Well, said one of the CIA men, youre definitely not the right man
for this job then.

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the
gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances, they explained to the second man. Inside you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door
opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes, I tried to shoot
her. I just couldnt pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess Im
not the right man for the job.

No, the CIA man replied. You dont have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home.

Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to
the same door and handed her the same gun.

We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after
another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and
banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went
quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didnt tell me
the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the S.O.B. to death with
the chair!

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassadors wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?

A penis, replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer … and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, appiness!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Viscount!
Viscount who?
Viscount you behave!

Two [ethnics] were walking along the street and came across a building
with a sign that said Taco Bell. One turns to the other and says, I didnt
know the Mexicans had their own phone company.