When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
> brain
> > said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and
> > functions.
> > > >>The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and
get
> > him where he wants to go. The hands said, We should be the Boss
because
> we
> > do all the work and earn all the money.
> > > >>And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until
> > finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
> > asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself
up
> > and refused to work.
> > > >>Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
> > feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
> > > >>Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so
> the
> > motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss
> just
> > sat and passed out the shit.
> > > >>Management Lesson?
> > > >>You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, Whenever it breaks.
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Why are you eating grass?, he asked one man.
We dont have any money for food., The poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then.
But sir, I have a wife with two children!
Bring them along! And you, come with me too!, he said to the other man.
But sir, I have a wife with six children! The second man answered.
Bring them as well!
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The rich man replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!
The re-release of George Lucas Star Wars raked in millions.
This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times
and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and
Ocean Spray. (Joshua Sostrin)
Says Paul Ecker, Teenagers all over the country are asking the same
question: Whos Mark Hamil?
The film was enhanced with even more special effects. In a related move,
Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergmans films enhanced with even more
gloom, (Michael Edens)
Theres no Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special
Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesnt sing Hanukkah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I had a Little Driedl.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.
One of the programmes is called The Dating Network (TM) and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that its on every night.
Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: Successful singles dont do to singles bars! They dont go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)…
Now, correct me if Im wrong, but isnt the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single…?
Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch cause NYPD Blue really isnt quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.
They announced that they didnt feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so theyre instead showing movies during the game. Movies like Blind Date (it had Bruce Willis – if you didnt see it, dont feel left out, cause no one else did either) and Mannequin 2: On the Move.
Boy, Id much rather watch these winners than see a sporting event that takes place once evry four years and for the first time is being played in this *great* country of ours…
-Ben Scripps
Central Michigan University
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, its total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, hes finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. Names Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin a party Saturday. Thought youd like to come.
Great, says Sam. After six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Enoch is leaving he stops, Gotta warn you, theres gonna be some drinkin.
Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too.
Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.
Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too.
Now thats not a problem, says Sam. Remember Ive been alone for six months! Ill definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?
Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want. Its just gonna be the two of us.
IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving – call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.
8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.
9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after hed been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, You know…. This is completely unfair.
What do you mean? asks the surgeon.
Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and thats more than I get paid in a year, replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
Thats not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart, says the driver.
Well if thats the case, Ill tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right. replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, Ok. Youre on.
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the drivers hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks hes done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
You know… says the driver, I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.