Old and New Jokes

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then shes yours. – Deuteronomy 21

15. Find a prostitute and marry her. – Hosea (Hosea 1)

14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. – Moses (Exodus 2)

13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4)

12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21)

11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. – Adam (Genesis 2)

10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a womans hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Thats right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. – Jacob (Genesis 29)

9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-laws enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (1 Samuel somewhere)

8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and youll definitely find someone. (Its all relative off course.) – Cain (Genesis 4)

7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)

6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, I have seen a …woman; now get her for me. If your parents question your decision, simply say, Get her for me. Shes the one for me. – Samson (Judges 14)

5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). – David (2 Samuel 9)

4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (Its not just a good idea, its the law). – Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

3. Dont be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11)

2. A wife?…NOT!!! – Paul (I Corinthians 7)

1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. – Jesus (Revelation 15?)

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks do you want any help? Man on the rock replies no- the Lord will save me-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him do you want any help? The man replied no – the Lord will save me! Then along comes another man on a boat and asks do you want any help? and he said no-the Lord will save me.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter why didnt the Lord save me????

St.Peter said he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?

1. The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field, and theyve seen it many times before.

2. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without incident.

3. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists and they are all OK.

4. Picard, Riker, and Data visit the Holodeck and it works perfectly.

5. Captain Picard has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, but the Prime Directive makes it easy.

6. A power surge on the bridge is correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by a well-trained engineering staff using common diagnostic equipment.

7. The officers of the Enterprise encounter a new lifeform, which later turns out to be a common, well-known lifeform who was wearing a funny mask as a joke.

8. A major emergency happens near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it.

9. The Enterprise kicks in warp speed and hits a large planet coming from the right that they didnt see in time.

10. The crew if the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious illness, but the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay storeroom.

11. Geordie looks at something through his electronic eye band and realizes he hasnt the faintest idea what he is looking at.

12. While being attacked by Romulans, Picard orders warp speed and the Enterprise stalls and wont start up without a call to AAA.

13. Data is passed over for promotion because he cannot understand the most basic nuances of what people are saying to him.

14. Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a geek and he has to start making friends his own age for a change.

15. Counselor Troi makes an analysis that states something other than that which is blindingly obvious.

16. A mysterious being composed of pure energy tries to enter the Enterprises computer but finds out it didnt bring the right plugs along.

17. Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visi

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders arent supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!

On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.

Confusius say: He who smoke pot, choke on handle.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles started popping out…

A woman in her 90s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She cant live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesnt want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly womans left thigh.

The events of Sept. 11th have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

Among the measures:

Testing athletes urine for traces of terrorism

Eliminating Mens 200m Embassy Bomb event

Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound

Assigning athletes from Arab nations around-the-clock security buddy

All open flames to be immediately extinguished

Investigating any and all reports of fine white powder

Strictly prohibiting foreigners from Olympic village

Warning athletes not to make any sudden movements

Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.