Old and New Jokes

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, had no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today
that more software companies have been added to the groups watch list
of companies that regularly practice software testing. There is no
need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like
these can market new products, said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for
PETS. Alternative methods of testing these products are available.
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lenghty and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to break the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
torturing the software.
Its no joke, said Grandola. Innocent programs, from the day
they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours
on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when theyre not needed any
more. Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and
is infested with bugs. We know that alternatives to this horror
exist, he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a
company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the

first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out GREEN SIDE UP!.

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.

The lady then asked him, Why do you keep yelling green side up?.

Im sorry, came the reply. But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Clinton is on the beach at Marthas Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.

Genie: Hi Bill. Im a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish–it had better be easy if you want me to do it.

Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.

Genie: Thats a little hard, give me something easier.

Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?

Genie: World peace it is.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going Huh ! I couldve done that !

Yo mama so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green.

EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME …

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DONT forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesnt know anything about a gift certificate theyre supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, Outback or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER-NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESNT WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I dont believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at

We know about movies like Collateral Damage, that were scheduled for release but were pulled because of 9/11, causing major headaches for studios. But what about all the books that were written before 9/11 and then had to be scrapped?

Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis

Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will Go On Like This Forever

Carry On: Its Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security

Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World

Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World

Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?

How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax

Jihad? Wasnt She On Moesha?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures

The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed

Stem Cell Research: George W. Bushs defining moment

How to Look Afghan

Take a Powder!: The kids guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances