Old and New Jokes

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?

To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say mmmm … tasty!
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

Q. How can you tell that Grandmas sex drive is alive and well?

A. She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!

A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to marry. The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, Okay, Ma, guess which one Im going to marry. She immediately replies, The one on the right. Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you know? The Greek mother replies I dont like her.

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks Whats the puzzle supposed to look like?

The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

So, the blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

Second, Id advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.
As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

Screw me or climb the ladder to success, she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this
cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.

Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success, she said.

Well, thought the man, might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite
attractive.

Screw me now or climb the ladder to success, she fluttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that
this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute
beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.

Fuck me or climb the ladder to success, she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to
climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man,
armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

Who are you? the man asked.

Hello, said the ugly fat man said, my name is Cess!

An insect repellent salesman tried to sell his product to a farmer. He said he wasnt interested because he hadnt seen any bugs or insects on his farm for years. The salesman indicated he had a wife and four kids and really needed the money.

The farmer still didnt think he needed any insect repellent but he felt sorry for the salesman and said, Im so sure there arent any insects around here, if youll strip naked, Ill tie you to my barnyard fence for the entire night. When morning comes, if youve got even one insect bite on you, Ill buy every can of repellent youve got.

The salesman was elated and readily agreed to being tied up naked. That night, the farmer tied the naked salesman to the barnyard fence and went to bed. Several times during the night he thought he heard the salesman moaning and groaning.

However, when he went out the next morning, the salesman didnt have even one bite or scratch on him. The farmer asked, What was all that moaning and groaning about last night?

That was the worst night of my life, the salesman replied, doesnt that damn calf have a mother?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Water!
Water who?
Water be ashamed of yourself for living in a dump like this!

Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. Ive been arrested three times for practicing.

En una guerra el General visita la tienda de los enfermos y le pregunta a un soldado que estaba en una cama:

¿Por qué está acá soldado?

¡Hemorroide, señor!

¿Y con qué lo están tratando?

¡Tópicos de iodo, señor!

¿Necesita algo?

¡No, señor!

Y así con todos los que estaban allí, muchos de los cuales padecían de hemorroides y decían no necesitar nada, hasta que llegó con el último soldado:

¿Por qué está acá soldado?

¡Angina, señor!

¿Y con qué lo están tratando?

¡Tópicos de iodo, señor!

¿Necesita algo?

¡Si! ¡QUE ME CAMBIEN EL PINCELITO!