Microsoft has just released its update to TimeTraveller 1.0 (TM), the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time, one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back? A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. Me an the missus cant agree on tea-time anymore, he grumbled, an she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives.
TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows 95.
But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsofts domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bills part is crazy, the Micromouthpiece testified. Besides, he couldnt work with Goebbels.
In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:
CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebub (TM), an occult algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler. Youll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.
MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. Its important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You dont want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mothers maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.
DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants.
BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to say cheese may result in a broadsword to the head.
CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.
DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if its just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someones cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsoft will tell Satan to give you a hot foot. So there.