Old and New Jokes

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater for Christmas?

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old mans peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.

Thats okay, the old man replies after a moment. Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&Ms.

(taken from http://www.yahoo.com/headlines/970126/news/stories/china_1.html

>Sunday January 26 6:52 AM EST
>
>China Gives Reporters New Reporting Rules
>
>BEIJING (Reuter) – China tightened its grip on the media on Sunday with
>directives on how to write news, ordering journalists not to advocate
>sex, violence and superstition and to fill their reports with
>patriotism and socialism.

Heres an example of how this works:

In the news, there were no crimes of sex, violence and superstition in
China today. At approximately 9:19 PM last night, however, Beijing
residents reported hearing screams of patriotism and socialism coming
from Tienamien square as army tanks rumbled through to quell a domestic
game of Mah Jhong, the national game and a favorite past time of many
happy patriotic, socialist residents.

What is a vampires favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving…

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and sir do you have a extra $

20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $

1000.

00. I have $

980.00 and just need the last $

20.00

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied No sir… I have money for gambling.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Im out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!

BAD COP! – NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was furious!



She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. She was incredibly ticked now.



The next day the same parrot again said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didnt do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.



When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, Hey lady. She paused and said, Yes? And the bird replied, You know.