Old and New Jokes

Because deep down, theyre really not that bad!

Will you know me tommorow? Will you next week? Will you know me next year? Will you know me in two years? Okay then. Knock Knock. Whos their? I thought that you said you would know me.

A: To see what was on the other side.

Un abogado se compra un BMW nuevito y sale a mostrárselo a los otros abogados en el tribunal. Llega y estaciona sobre la derecha, abre la puerta para salir y en ese momento pasa un camión y le arranca la puerta completita. El abogado se baja y empieza a maldecir como un loco.

Toma su teléfono celular y llama a la policia, que llega muy pronto:

¡Mi coche recien sacado del concesionario! ¡Este animal, bestia, me arranca la puerta!

Sigue así hasta que el policia le dice: Pero señor, ¿cómo puede ser usted tan materialista?, ¿no se ha dado cuenta que el camión, cuando se llevo la puerta, también le arranco el brazo desde el codo?

El abogado se mira el muñón atónito y dice:

¡Mierda! ¿Dónde está mi Rolex?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The

> brain



> > said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and



> > functions.



> > > >>The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and



get



> > him where he wants to go. The hands said, We should be the Boss



because



> we



> > do all the work and earn all the money.



> > > >>And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes



until



> > finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the



> > asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself



up



> > and refused to work.



> > > >>Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the



> > feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.



> > > >>Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so



> the



> > motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss



> just



> > sat and passed out the shit.



> > > >>Management Lesson?



> > > >>You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, Whenever it breaks.

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Why are you eating grass?, he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food., The poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with me too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! The second man answered.

Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The rich man replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

The re-release of George Lucas Star Wars raked in millions.
This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times
and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and
Ocean Spray. (Joshua Sostrin)

Says Paul Ecker, Teenagers all over the country are asking the same
question: Whos Mark Hamil?

The film was enhanced with even more special effects. In a related move,
Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergmans films enhanced with even more
gloom, (Michael Edens)

Theres no Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special
Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesnt sing Hanukkah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I had a Little Driedl.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.

One of the programmes is called The Dating Network (TM) and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that its on every night.

Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: Successful singles dont do to singles bars! They dont go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)…

Now, correct me if Im wrong, but isnt the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single…?

Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch cause NYPD Blue really isnt quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.

They announced that they didnt feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so theyre instead showing movies during the game. Movies like Blind Date (it had Bruce Willis – if you didnt see it, dont feel left out, cause no one else did either) and Mannequin 2: On the Move.

Boy, Id much rather watch these winners than see a sporting event that takes place once evry four years and for the first time is being played in this *great* country of ours…

-Ben Scripps
Central Michigan University