Men say the smartest things when they start the sentence with A woman once told me…
11
Apr
11
Apr
You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsofts Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the Confutatis Maledictis from the Mozarts Requiem.
Where do you want to go today? is the cheery line on the screen.
Meanwhile, the chorus sings Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis, which means, The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.
11
Apr
It is parents evening and a young teacher is called away in an emergency just before she is due to see the last set of her pupils parents for the evening.
So she asks one of the other teachers to fill in for her. The other teacher agrees but asks for some background information before she meets the parents.
Who is the pupil? the substitute teacher asks.
Oh a lovely sweet little boy but he isnt that bright, can be a bit of a handful and seems more interested in play than work.
Right. says the substitute teacher as she is writing notes and then also asks, and the mother what about her?
Oh, she is a Korean lady, but unfortunately she thinks that her little boy is both an angel and a genius, so please be diplomatic when you talk with her, as she really got upset last time when I said I thought her son was probably not equipped for a future career in Medicine and that he might possibly have to consider an alternative career such as a chef.
Thanks for the warning, says the substitute teacher and asks, how about the father? He might be a little more realistic about his son, whats he like?
I am sorry but there it gets even worse. the teacher answers.
What do you mean ? asks the substitute.
Well the Korean lady is a lessbian, you see and her girlfriend is Jewish! the teacher replies.
11
Apr
Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??
A: A teacher says spit out that gum and a train says choo choo choo!
11
Apr
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.
He started out with a quote, Behold, I cometh….. but he couldnt remember the rest of it.
So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again… Behold I cometh… but he still couldnt remember.
So he rears back and shouts again, Behold I cometh! … but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!
He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered…
It isnt your fault sonny – you told me you were coming three times… I should have moved!
10
Apr
Un hombre le dice a su novia:
MarÃa, ahora mismo te la voy a meter hasta el fondo.
¡Pero, Carlos, podrÃas ser algo más romántico! ¿No?
Está bien, MarÃa: A la luz de la luna, te la voy a meter hasta el fondo.
10
Apr
Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Dont stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
1. Dont take extra strokes.
10
Apr
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, Im the Boss. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, Your wife called. She wants her sign back!
10
Apr
[Ed: These are from 1984, but they still apply ]
10
Apr
***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***
17. I finished the Oreos.
16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!
14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!
13. Well, couldnt they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!
12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.
10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
7. Get your *own* ice cream.
6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.
5. Got milk ?
4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.
3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…