Old and New Jokes

Una mujer, bastante alcoholizada, sale de un cabaret. Dando traspiés llega a su automóvil, un precioso y elegante BMW. Al no poder abrirlo con las llaves, cae sentada en la acera y al volver la vista hacia abajo, ve sus genitales y exclama:

¡Por ti, tengo este auto!

¡Por ti, tengo estas joyas!

¡Por ti tengo dinero!

¡Por ti tengo viajes!

¡Por ti tengo a cualquier hombre!

En eso, a consecuencia de la tremenda borrachera que traía, se orina. Asustada, voltea hacia abajo y balbucea:

¿Por qué lloras, si no te estoy regañando?

Yo mama so poor that when I walked in her front door, I fell out the back door.

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: Im leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key.

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??

A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!

A man and his son are having the talk. In the middle of the fathers lecture, the son asks Dad…what does a pussy look like before sex? The father answers Well Im glad you asked…it looks like a rose garden in the middle of spring. The child is still puzzled, so he asks What does it look after sex? The father pats him on the back and says Son…have you ever seen a dog eat mayonnaise?

The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.



The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.



The consultants finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.



After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the Americans team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!



Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

The circus manager looked at the tiny man who had applied for the job of animal trainer. Arent you kind of small for this line of work? he asked dubiously.

Thats the secret of my success, he replied. The animals keep waiting for me to grow bigger.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” ”Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. ”Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!

Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasnt happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and….that night he drowned in his teapee!