Old and New Jokes

You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

Theres a guy in a bar, its late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar.

The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, ok, show me

The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor.

The bartender say, Thats amazing! You deserve the $50!

The next day, about noon, the guys in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?

The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, Ill give you $200

The guy says, Sure, but I need a little time to get ready

So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, I dont see what youre so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and youd be happy about it.

Pepito iba por la calle arrastrando con una cuerda a una rana aplastada. Llegó hasta uno de esos locales de mala reputación que tienen una luz roja en la entrada y llamó a la puerta. La Madame abrió la puerta y al ver al pequeño le preguntó que quería. Pepito respondió que quería hacerlo con una de las chicas del local y que tenía suficiente dinero para pagar y que no se iba a ir hasta conseguirlo.

La Madame se lo pensó y decidió que ¿por qué no? y le dijo que pasase. Una vez dentro le invitó a elegir entre las chicas la que más le gustase. Él preguntó si alguna de las chicas tenía alguna enfermedad y, por supuesto, la Madame respondió que no. Pero Pepito había oído a los hombres del pueblo decir que habían tenido que ir al hospital a recibir tratamiento después de haberlo hecho con Marlene y ESA era la chica que quería.

Como el niño estaba tan empeñado y tenía dinero, la mujer le dijo que Marlene estaba subiendo la escalera en la primera habitación a la derecha. Siguiendo las instrucciones, Pepito subió por las escaleras arrastrando la rana aplastada. A los diez minutos baja por las escaleras, sigue arrastrando la rana, paga a la dueña del burdel y se dirige hacia la salida. Intrigada, la dueña le pregunta:

¿Por qué has elegido a la única chica que tenía en el local con una enfermedad, en vez de cualquiera de las otras?

Bueno, esta noche cuando llegue a casa, mis padres van a salir a cenar y me van a dejar con la niñera. Cuando se hayan ido lo voy a hacer con la niñera, a la que le gustan mucho los jovencitos; ella se contagiará con la enfermedad que yo acabo de agarrar. Cuando vuelvan mis padres, papá llevará a la niñera a su casa y en el camino se la cepillará y pillará la enfermedad. Cuando papá vuelva de llevar a la niñera, él y mamá se acostarán; lo harán y ella se contagiará. Por la mañana, cuando papá se vaya al trabajo, el cartero traerá el correo y se echará un rapidín con mamá y también lo contagiará… ¡Y ESE es el HIJO DE PUTA que atropelló a mi RANA, y me lo quiero CHINGAR!

There are three girls strainded on an island: A brownhead from New York, A redhead from Nevada, and a blonde from Texas. THey find a geni bottle, and are all granted 1 wish each. The Brown wishes to go back to New York, so poof she was in New York. The red wishes to go back to Nevada, so poof she was in Nevada. The Blonde says that since those were her best friends she wants them both back here.

I hate when people say supposevly. What the hell is supposevly? Do you mean supposedly? Also, do you know how stupid you sound when you say, I could care less!? Saying this means that you do care, and that it is possible for you to care less. What you mean to say is, I could NOT care less!. Just a couple quick grammar lessons for idiots.

A person went to church every week, but feel asleep during the
sermon and the women said.. next time you fall asleep Im going
to stick this pen up your ass and he did fall asleep, the father
Began a story and said Does anyone know what so and so said then?
and the women had just stuck the pen up the guys ass as he stood up
and say Hallelujah! and then the father said Correct my son..

the next week as the father asked another question, the guy was jabbed
with the pen and Stood up to say AMEN! and the father said Right again
my son..

the next week the father began to talk about Adam and eve, he said
what did eve say to Adam after their 10th child? and the guy
was jabbed with the pen again and he stood up to yell very loudly
Shove that thing up my ass one more time and Ill rap it around your
face! and the father said, no Im sorry, anyone else?

What is pink, flies and has a helmet? Apig flying a jet fighter wereing a helmet!

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband says, "Wow! Thats great! Im so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"She says, "I dont care. Just get the hell out!"

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Tweets…

Two guys are sharing a hospital room."What are you in for?""Im getting a circumcision.""Damn! I had that done when I was born and I couldnt walk for a year!"