Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that thats not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.

Shut Up, replied Shut Up.

Stupid, replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. Excuse Me! shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

Shut Up!

Stupid!

The police chief was very riled. He then asked Are you looking for trouble?!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,Why yes, how did you know?

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They havent got a policy on that.

Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the

now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted

into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:

Baaaa, then re-joined the flock.

La maestra en la clase de Pepito:

Niños, hoy vamos a ver las suposiciones. A ver Luisito, dime una suposición.

Mi hermanito estaba llorando. Supongo que tenía hambre.

Muy bien. Pedrito dime una suposición.

El teléfono sonó. Supongo que alguien estaba llamando.

Muy bien. Pepito dime una suposición.

Mi papá tomó el periódico. Supongo que iba a cagar.

¡Pepito! Sí tu papá tomó el periódico se supone que fue para leerlo.

No maestra, el burro de mi papá no sabe leer.

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.



The American said to him Oh is your girl named Wendy too?



The Jamaican replied, No, Mon that says, Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day.

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.





Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in, he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.





At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.





Anonymous response:





Ok, heres the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:





I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . . Ouch!!!





So I peered into the tube . . . Aaaaaahhhhhhh. Im sorry, but thats like looking through a telescope into Hell. Id rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.





That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guys ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.





Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someones ass. Im just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kikis tunnel of love.





People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.





People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just cant imagine looking at a doctor and saying Well doc, its like this. See we have this gerbil named Faggot and we took this cardboard tube…





First and second degree burns to the anus. Wouldnt this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of Gods green earth.





People named Kiki which is obviously a Polynesian word for Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.





What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?





This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Im starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean…
And ram was the cousin of a goat….

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2 floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
youd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spiders home
and a virus was the flu

I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead

Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus companys claim that versions
of Internet Explorer 3.0 and above possess another hole in security by
calling the feature in question a design thing, not a bug.