Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay.
Thered be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health
problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent
effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet
trained.
They wouldnt think twins were quite so cute.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
Theyd have to stop saying, Im afraid Ill drop him.
There would be drive-through abortions.
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
Theyd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as
entrees.
16
Oct
16
Oct
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.
16
Oct
One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks, What is it?
His father replies, Oh, thats a twinkie son, if you find anymore bring them to me and Ill give you a quarter.
The next week the little boy returned to his mothers house with a lot of quarters.
His mother asks, Where did you get all those quarters?
The little boy answered, Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him, but what he doesnt know is, before I gave them to him, I sucked all the cream filling out.
16
Oct
- The technician who signs out your camera cant stop laughing
- Your cold makes your voice sound like Jerry Lewis
- The friggin things warped
- The second after your batteries stop charging, theyre completely dead
- Your B-roll has poppy seeds [bah-dum]
- Everyone you interview insists on speaking in pig-latin
- Your editing room is titled Hell
- The footage is 32 hours of feet
- Title: Mailboxes, Big and Small
- We had a video project due?!
[Im perfectly willing to explain anything you found confusing. I tried to stay away from techie terms, but I do write these lists for my *own* amusement… :)]
16
Oct
How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it!
16
Oct
A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy persons door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. Im collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and Im wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldnt want to make a little contribution.
The homeowner replies, The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.
Are you sure?, asks the Meshulach.
Sir, Im positive, replies the homeowner.
But, says the meshulach, It says here that youre Jewish, and my records are never wrong.
I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.
Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you arent Jewish? demands the Meshulach.
For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasnt Jewish either!
16
Oct
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you. So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot steak and eggs breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.Marty asks, Son, what happened last night? His son says, Well, you came home about 3 A.M., blind stinking drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.Confused, Marty asks, So, why did Mom put everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me? His son replied, Oh that! Mom and I dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, Lady, leave me alone! Im a happily married man!Self-induced hangover – $70.00
Broken furniture – $250.00
Breakfast – $10.00
Saying the right thing at the right time – priceless
16
Oct
Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, What ever possessed you to study Russian?
The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so hell start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!
16
Oct
Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?
A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.
15
Oct
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.