Suggestions for Guys Playing Golf or Using a Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Dont stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
1. Dont take extra strokes.
10
Apr
10
Apr
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, Im the Boss. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, Your wife called. She wants her sign back!
10
Apr
[Ed: These are from 1984, but they still apply ]
10
Apr
***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***
17. I finished the Oreos.
16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!
14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!
13. Well, couldnt they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!
12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.
10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
7. Get your *own* ice cream.
6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.
5. Got milk ?
4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.
3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…
09
Apr
Una mujer, bastante alcoholizada, sale de un cabaret. Dando traspiés llega a su automóvil, un precioso y elegante BMW. Al no poder abrirlo con las llaves, cae sentada en la acera y al volver la vista hacia abajo, ve sus genitales y exclama:
¡Por ti, tengo este auto!
¡Por ti, tengo estas joyas!
¡Por ti tengo dinero!
¡Por ti tengo viajes!
¡Por ti tengo a cualquier hombre!
En eso, a consecuencia de la tremenda borrachera que traÃa, se orina. Asustada, voltea hacia abajo y balbucea:
¿Por qué lloras, si no te estoy regañando?
09
Apr
Yo mama so poor that when I walked in her front door, I fell out the back door.
09
Apr
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: Im leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key.
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.
09
Apr
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??
A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!
09
Apr
A man and his son are having the talk. In the middle of the fathers lecture, the son asks Dad…what does a pussy look like before sex? The father answers Well Im glad you asked…it looks like a rose garden in the middle of spring. The child is still puzzled, so he asks What does it look after sex? The father pats him on the back and says Son…have you ever seen a dog eat mayonnaise?
09
Apr
The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultants finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the Americans team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.