En el asilo de ancianos, le pregunta un abuelo a otro:
¿Por qué te enfadaste con tu compañero de cuarto?
Por abusivo.
¿Por abusivo?
SÃ, usaba mis camisas, mis corbatas y mis trajes, y no me importó. Lo que no pude tolerar fue que se riera de mà con mi propia dentadura postiza.
Jaimito era un gamberro en clase. La maestra era ciega. Un dÃa enfadada le mando a todo el mundo a raparse la cabeza. Jaimito penso: Cómo me voy a rapar la cabeza con mi cabello tan bonito como lo tengo.
Entonces tuvo una idea. Al dÃa siguiente la maestra empezó a tocar las cabezas de los niños y todas estaban correctas, pero cuando llegó a Jaimito, Jaimito le puso el culo para que lo tocara y la maestra exclamó:
¡Muy bien, Jaimito y con la raya en medio!
Did you hear that Clinton wants to change the national bird?
He wants to change it to the Swallow.
Yo mamas so fat she uses the Empire state building for a dildo.
A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isnt quite ready for nite-nite yet.
The wife takes the hint and says OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right? No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.Her husband looks over and grunts, clumsy bitch.
Theres this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.
No, its not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.
I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.
A classic Newlywed Game question:
From YOUR bedroom window, does the sun rise in the North,
South, East or West?
Most of them got it wrong.
Mike Godfrey
A few months ago, there was an opening with theCIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lotof testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for theposition. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training andtesting, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only oneposition was available. The day came for the final test to see whichpeson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took oneof the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you willfollow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Insidethis room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and killher." The man looked horrified and said, "You cant beserious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said theCIA man, "youre definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same doorand handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter whatthe circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you willfind your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." Thesecond man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. Allwas quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the roomwith tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldnt pull the triggerand shoot my wife. I guess Im not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "Youdont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test.They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Takethis gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the dooreven closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after anotherfor 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all wentquiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweatfrom her brow and said, "You guys didnt tell me the gun was loaded withblanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her childs school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, What are you doing?
The child answered, Smiling. God just keeps taking pictures of me.
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. Please describe, said his attorney, the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wifes fidelity.
Well, Im pretty much on the road all week, the man testified. So naturally when I am home, Im attentive to the wife.
One Sunday morning, he continued, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, Cant you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?