Old and New Jokes

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the
clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the home building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction
firm. Hes so successful, in fact, that in the last year he was able to give a
good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car
salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact,
that in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been
discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he
replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently
discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But on the bright side, he must be good
at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new
house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.

Q. How do you sink a polish battleship? A. Put it in water!

Rabbi Schulmann was crossing the street and got hit right in front of the cathedral. the priest thinking he was dead, started his last rites….

about the time Rabbi Schulmann came too, he had reached yet not 3 Gods but one, the son the father and holy ghost, yet not 3 but one…

Rabbi Schulmann broke in, enough already with the riddles, call an ambulance already…and take that ridiculous looking shirt off ..young man.

You might be a redneck if your jack-o-latern has more teeth than your wife.

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
You have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob
He refers to Klingons as Critters
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing
frequencies
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says Yee-Ha! instead of Engage
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
He insists on calling his executive officer Bubba
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He paints the starship John Deere green
He refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
He sings Lucille instead of Kathleen
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
His idea of a gas giant is that big ol XO Bubba after a meal
of beans and weenies
He sets phaser to Cajun

Q: Why cant Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

Bob and Bill go duck hunting. They settle down in their pit blind and wait for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for Bill, so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a pint of 100 proof scotch.
Want some? he asks Bob.
No, Ive got to concentrate on hunting ducks.
Okay… he says and happily drains the bottle.
They go back to watching for ducks. Again, Bill gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch.
Want some. he asks again.
No, thanks, I really dont drink, is his reply.
Your loss. he says and happily drains the bottle. Hes pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks.
A minute later, a single duck flies up. Bang!!! goes Bobs gun.
Darn, missed, says Bob.
Bill waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. Bang!!! his gun goes. He drops the duck out of the sky.
Wow, exclaims Bob, how did you do that?
Well, he replied, when theres a whole flock, you can hardly miss, can you?

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking down the street one day.I wonder if Im still the most beautiful woman in all the land said Snow White.
I wonder if Im still the shortest man in all the land said Tom Thumb.
I wonder if Im still the ugliest man in all the land said Quasimodo.So the three decided to go and visit the magic mirror who would tell them if they still held their titles.Each went in alone to consult the mirror and came out to tell the others what they had found out.Yes, Im still the most beautiful in all the land said Snow White.Yes, Im still the shortest in all the land said Tom Thumb.Who the hell is Camilla Parker-Bowles? said Quasimodo.

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a
mural-sized painting of Custers last thought. The artist was told to make it
highly symbolic of Custers mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she
proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work,
the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, was a beautiful
crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fishs head was a
halo. In the background, the hills and meadows were covered with naked Native
American couples copulating.

The curator was both disgusted and baffled by what he saw. In a rage he turned
to the artist and asked, What the hell has this got to do with Custers last
thought?

The artist replied, Custers last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel!
Where did all these fucking Indians come from?

Un señor de mediana edad lleva una hora sentado en el bar mirando su copa sin beberla, cuando llega un camionero alto y gordo que se bebe la copa de un solo trago. El pobre hombre se echa a llorar, y el camionero le consuela:

Vamos, buen hombre, era sólo una broma, ahorita le pido otra copa.

No, no es eso. Es que hoy ha sido el peor día de mi vida: primero, llego tarde al trabajo y me despiden. Luego, al llegar donde había dejado mi coche, veo que se lo robaron. Camino a mi casa y veo a mi mujer con otro hombre y me vengo para acá; y, cuando por fin iba a terminar con todo esto, llega usted y ¡se toma mi veneno!