Old and New Jokes

German fisherman was at the sea with a small boat. After some time American submarine surfaced near him. The captain asked the fisherman: Have You seen any Russian submarines lately?

Yes, I have, they went to north-east, the fisherman replied.

Thanks very much, and off they went, to north-east… After some time, Russian submarine surfaced, and their commander asked the same fisherman, Have You seen any American submarines lately?

Fishermans answer was the same: Yes, and they went to north-east.

What?, asked russian submarines commander.

I said, they went to north-east!

What a hell means north-east, Youd better show us the direction with your hand, if You dont want us to sink you!

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if its done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when shes tired – or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Dont do it if you cant keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
This wont hurt, I promise.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so.

Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right.

To which he replied, Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I dont think so.

Fine, she says, Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre about to break.

Im not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps, he says. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I dont think so. Ive had enough of you. Im going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, howd this all get fixed?

She said, Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.

He said, So, what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied, Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I dont waste my time with these childish jokes.