These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters – who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A Polak went to a carpenter and said, Can you build me a box that
is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?
Hmm… mused the carpenter. It could be done, I suppose, but what
would you want a box like that for?
Well, you see, said the Polak, my neighbor moved away and forgot
some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.
Judge: I know you, dont I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
This was a letter printed in Car & Driver (May)
Q: Is it true that you shouldnt use the air-recirculate button on
your cars climate control for more than a minute or so? A friend
told me that you could die from lack of oxygen if you do.
Editor: Not true. In fact, when the windows are closed recirculating the
air is safer than running the fresh-air fan for extended periods–
which can cause the cabin to explode.
July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. Ive heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id better hold onto it in case they dont ever send me anther one! I cant connect. I dont know what is wrong.
July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it goes. It wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.
July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still dont work. I cant get online.
July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says thats just another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didnt even tell me about communications software. Bet they didnt know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 – Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. Im confused.
July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe hes not so modest after all.
July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because Im connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DONT NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited. Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked but I cant find that group.
August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house hes laughing so hard he cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I dont know why the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.
(From the San Jose Mercury News, May 17, 1989:)
David St. John, 37, was the victim last week of what police
say was a terrible mistake.
The two Hayward police officers used their batons to hit
St. John, who they didnt realize was blind, after mistaking
his collapsible cane for an illegal martial arts weapon, said
Lt. Mitchell Penn, the police departments internal affairs officer.
It was a very regrettable incident, Penn said Tuesday. But from
what Ive seen so far its not a case of overzealous officers.
They had no idea he was blind–they were extremely upset when they
found out.
Field training officer Eric Ristram said St. John placed in his pants
pocket what appeared to be a nunchaku, a martial arts weapon consisting of
two round sticks of wood connect by a chain.
The officers thought the man could see their uniforms so they didnt
identify themselves when they told St. John to hand over the contents
of his pockets.
St. John said later he thought he was about to be mugged.
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The cars occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
I know, said the Branch Manager, Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.
No, no, said the Hardware Engineer, That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. Ive got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.
Well, said the Software Engineer, Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.
Stay in with the outs.
One day A Blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. 5 minutes later she checked it again this happened all through the day till the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was.
My computer keeps telling me I have mail!
A little girl at a wedding asked, Mommy, why do brides always wear white?
Because theyre happy, the mom replied. Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, Mommy, if brides wear white because theyre happy, then why do grooms wear black?