Old and New Jokes

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said Youll see.

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, Ticket Please. An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, Youll see.

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers bathroom, knocks on the door and says: Ticket please.

Q: What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation?

A: You know its coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, he said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

Pepito va al consultorio porque pensaba que le gustaba comer camote o sea que era gay, entonces le dice al doctor:

¡Doctor, doctor, hágame un test o algo para saber si soy gay!

El doctor le dice:

Claro, a ver quítese la ropa y mientras le toco el testículo diga 99…

Y Pepito: 99.

Y luego le agarra el pene y le dice:

Diga 99.

Y dice: 99.

Después le mete la mano por el culo y dice el doctor:

Diga 99.

Y Pepito comienza:

1, 2, 3…

A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt
realized it yet.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. What is your name? Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

John, the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, Look, I dont know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I dont call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker — thats all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?

The new guy sighed and said, Darling. My name is John Darling.

Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.

The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.

Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.

Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.

Joke found on http://www.huumor.com

* Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

* Bad: You cant find your birth control pills

* Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

* Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

* Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

* Ugly: Youre in them

* Good: Your husband understands fashion

* Bad: Hes a cross-dresser

* Ugly: He looks better than you

* Good: Your sons finally maturing

* Bad: Hes involved with the woman next door

* Ugly: So are you

* Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

* Bad: She keeps interrupting

* Ugly: With corrections

* Good: Your wifes not talking to you

* Bad: She wants a divorce

* Ugly: Shes a lawyer

* Good: The postmans early

* Bad: Hes wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

* Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

* Good: Your daughter got a new job

* Bad: As a hooker

* Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients

* Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

* Good: Youre son is dating someone new

* Bad: Its another man

* Ugly: Hes youre best friend

* Good: Youre wife is pregnant.

* Bad: Its triplets

* Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

This was forwarded to me by a co-worker who had had it forwarded from a
friend, etc…i am not sure who to attribute this to, but i found it rather
humorous
————————[ Original Message ]——————–

Letter of Recommendation –

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Branch Manager

—————————————————————–

A second note following the report:

XXXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY
READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,… FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.

REGARDS,

Sd/-

Branch Manager

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures hell have a little fun…

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: shows extreme look of shock

Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? pointing at Indian.

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How does he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, hows it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: Is this your owner? pointing at Indian.

Horse: Yep.

Cowboy: Hows he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!