Old and New Jokes

There were two men in a bar talking and the first man began to tell
the second man a story:

One day St. Peter sent an angel to Earth to make a list of all the
people that were doing hanky-panky. The angel soon found that this
was a monumental task, so he asked St. Peter for some assistance.
However, none could be given due to the labor shortage. So, a
compromise was reached in that the angel would a list of those persons
not engaging in hanky-panky. This was a much shorter list. Upon
returning with the list, the angel was bid of St Peter to send a
letter of commendation to all those on the list that had not
participated in hanky-panky.

At this point the first man turned to the second and asked,And do you
know what the letter said? No, what did the letter say? Ah, so
you didnt get one either!

Q: What happens every time a man unzips his pants?

A: His brains fall out!

[Ed: Very few sexist jokes about men get submitted. Send me more
if you want to see them, like theyre asking in soc.women. ]

Source: A Dutch cook-book

Maitre de Cuisine (Chief Cook) of a famous restaurant
to a salesperson in the Stationery Department :

Do you have 97 of these Get Well Soon-cards ? …..

Q: Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?

A: They both hold stiffs, but ones coming and ones going!

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

Im just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, Im reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.

This true story has done the rounds so many times it is now almost urban legend. Here in South Africa some of our townships have, on occasion, been reduced to a war-zone by orgies of violence by opposing tribal factions. One of the preferred tools for human mutilation is the panga, a long broad flat knife not unlike a machete.

The story goes that one night, this man walks into the local clinic with a panga embedded square in the middle of his skull. As the hospital was understaffed and overbusy the poor guy was left to sit, leaning over a bucket slowly filling with blood, in line in the waiting room waiting to be attended to.

A few minutes later the nurse notices the man with the panga chatting to another man. As the man with the panga had not been accompanied by anyone when he came in she was curios to know who he was. She walked up to the visitor and asked, Are you a relative?

The reply; No, Ive come to get my panga

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water. The son comes running up to his mom and says…Mommy, I saw ladies with
boobies a lot bigger than yours! The mom says…the bigger they are, the dumber they are.
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and
says…Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddys! The mom
says…the bigger they are, the dumber they are.
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and
says…Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and
the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

Because not even God wants to watch them play.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his bum