Q: How do you know a leper is playing ice hockey?
A: Theres a face-off in the corner.
12
Sep
12
Sep
um once there was this dumb blonde and she was so stupid that when she tried to breathe out she in hailed.
yeeeeaahh@!
12
Sep
In order to keep an open mind,
I am trying to avoid learning anything.
12
Sep
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so Im stumped.
His buddy said, I have an idea. Why dont you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. Shell probably be thrilled! So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, Well, did you take my suggestion? Howd it turn out?
She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—Ill see you in two hours!
12
Sep
PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST
Conversion to ASCII values:
MS-DOS 6. 21
77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666
WINDOWS95
87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666
SYSTEM 7. 0
83 89 83 84 69 77 32 55 46 48 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!
The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
3
——-
666!!!!
12
Sep
Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of spectator devotion. Kids are born as supporters of a team, and die that way. Especially Collingwood supporters.
For example: Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldnt find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him.
Excuse me, is this seat taken?
No, sit down mate
How come this seat was empty?
Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife
Is she ill or something?
No: actually she died last week
Oh sorry, I didnt mean to intrude on your grief
Its OK …
Why didnt you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?
I would have done, but theyre all at the funeral
12
Sep
A couple of weeks before being sworn in, George W. Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. Just think, he said, when I am President, Ill get to have a gold urinal!
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the Presidents private bathroom, the president had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.
12
Sep
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver!
11
Sep
A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain.
Dont give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain. the man said.
The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before? asked the amazed dentist.
Well, twice actually. said the man, The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running….
Damn that must have hurt. the dentist interrupted. What was the second time?
Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of its chain.
11
Sep
A guy was invited to some old friends home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
I think its wonderful that after all the years youve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.
His buddy hung his head. To tell you the truth, he said, I forgot her name about ten years ago.