Old and New Jokes

A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season: Who am I to stone the first cast?

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter…

The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smiths breasts make when she walks.

BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.

Finally, a chance to say, Yeah, but its a dry cold.

Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.

You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.

No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.

Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone elses toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

Flashers stick to describing themselves.

Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.

When its 10 below, nobody gives a rats ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.

With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!

and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter…

Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

Their balls are just for decoration.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If theyre OK, youre it.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Pauls Law: You cant fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. Its easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, youd be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

Both are very popular at Christmas

But it is not generally considered cruel

To abandon a log

And dogs are rarely used as fuel

–John Hegley, Can I Come Down Now Dad?

Pedro estaba en la sala de espera de un aeropuerto, cuando vio una báscula computarizada que daba el peso y revelaba la fortuna. Decidió hacer la prueba, metió una moneda en la ranura y leyó en la pantalla: Usted pesa 88 Kilos, es casado y está a punto de viajar a San Diego.

Pedro se quedó anonadado. En seguida, otro hombre usó el aparato. Esta vez la pantalla puso el siguiente mensaje: Usted está divorciado, pesa 94 Kilos y se dispone a viajar a Chicago. Pedro le preguntó: ¿Es cierto que usted es divorciado y se dispone a viajar a Chicago? Así es, contestó el otro hombre. El asombradísimo Pedro corrió al baño, se cambió de ropa, se puso unos lentes oscuros y volvió a pesarse en aquella báscula. Esta vez el mensaje fue: Usted sigue pesando 88 Kilos, todavía está casado, y acaba de perder su vuelo hacia San Diego.

Trust everybody…then cut the cards.

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter?

The blonde replies, Oh, thats easy! Its the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, are thankful…

Wrong! replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, What is Easter?

The second blonde replies, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her shes wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, What is Easter?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, I know what Easter is.

Oh? says St. Peter, incredulously.

Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry! she said, stand in the corner. She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband enquired as he entered the room.

Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he whispered to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

A Towel!!