These are some of the error messages produced by Apples MPW C
compiler. They are all real. (If you must know I was bored one
afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.)
String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters; thats 3
more than ANSI said I should)
…And the lord said, lo, there shall only be case or default
labels inside a switch statement
A typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your
program
You cant modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with
the IRS, or satisfy this compiler
This struct already has a perfectly good definition
type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I
know you dont care, Im just trying to annoy you)
Cant cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says
so, thats why)
Huh?
Cant go mucking with a void *
We already did this function
This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block
containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with
an initializer AND your window wasnt wide enough to read this whole
error message
Call me paranoid but finding /* inside this comment makes me
suspicious
Too many errors on one line (make fewer)
Symbol table full — fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade
from your local Apple dealer
Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.
They come to a room marked Hitler. Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape,
Eva applies another iron.
I cant spend eternity like that, says Clinton. Show me something else.
Satan takes him to another room marked Jack the Ripper.
Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.
Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.
I cant spend eternity like that, either, says Clinton. Show me something better.
Satan takes Bill to the last door.
Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.
Bill smiles. Yes! he shouts, thats for me.
Satan smirks and says Good choice, Mr. President.
He looks down at Monica and says…
You can get up now, Honey. Weve finally found your replacement!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kyoto!
Kyoto who?
Kyoto jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?
There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, I heard on TV that wine is good for the health. The other one said, Well, lets go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine.
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.
A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.
Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.
The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, Drained wops keep falling on my head…
I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions
I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!
Gerrolds Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
KEEPING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
by Arthur Hugh Clough (1819-1861)
Thou shalt have one God only, who
Would be at the expense of two?
No graven images may be
Worshipped, except the currency:
Swear not at all, for thy curse
Thine enemy is none the worse:
At church on Sunday to attend
Will serve to keep the world thy frield:
Honour thy parents; that is, all
From whom advancement may befall:
Thou shalt not kill; but needst not strive
Officiously to keep alive.
Do not adultery commit
Advantage rarely comes of it.
Thou shalt not steal; an empty feat,
When its so lucrative to cheat.
Bear not false witness; let the lie
Have time on its own wings to fly:
Thou shalt not covet: but tradition
Approves all forms of competition.
The sum of all is, thou shalt love,
If any body, God above:
At any rate shall never labour
More than thyself to love thy neighbour.
You might be a redneck if you mow your grass and find three cars.
You might be a redneck if you think the first four words of the national anthem are, Gentlemen start your engines.
An angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, its his fault; if he betrays you twice, its your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
God gives every bird its food, But He does not throw it into its nest.
He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You cant live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.