Old and New Jokes

Le habían dejado a un niño investigar que hacían los padres con las limosnas, entonces va a la primera iglesia y le pregunta:

Padre, ¿usted que hace con las limosnas?

Y le dice: Pues mira, yo trazo un circulo y lo que caiga adentro es para mi y lo que caiga afuera es para Dios.

Va a la segunda y iglesia y pregunta lo mismo y le responde: Mira, yo trazo una línea y lo que caiga del lado derecho es para mi y lo del lado izquierdo es para Dios.

Va a la tercera iglesia y pregunta lo mismo, y le dicen:

Mira, yo aviento las monedas al cielo y lo que alcance a agarrar Dios es para el, y lo que caiga es para mi.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?

A) It doesnt matter, he wont come!

Did you hear about the Polish library that burned down?

Its okay… they saved the book.

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!

Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.

So, heres a culturally normalized standard test.

City of East Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name:____________

Alias:____________

Gang:____________

Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for $320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesnt cut it?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $200 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with expenses?
Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose for jumping bail?

So, how did you do?

One thing I still cant figure out though is how a South African from the far corner of Earth with no telephone or television knows about Indy Car (which is only popular in the US) and can use miles per hour (we use kph here) whereas some SuperCitizens dont know about Formula One (Nigel Mansell won back to back F1 and Indy Car championships – the Indy Car was won in his rookie year!!) and may not know what kph stands for.

Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures, countries and other interesting thing that werent made in America.

Q: What do a blonde and a halogen headlamp have in common?

A: They both got screwed on the front of an escort.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

No sir, little Johnny replies, I dont have to. My Mom is a good cook.

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN:

Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital
status. Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of
the following courses is not mandatory.

Combatting the Impulse to Nag
You Can Change the Oil Too
PMS – Learning to Sleep Over at Mothers
How to Fill a Beer Mug
We do not want Stationary for Christmas – PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS
Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness
How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football
Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone Other Than Him to Boss Around
How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right
Get a Life – Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself
Balancing a Checkbook – Even You Can Get it Right
You, the Whining Sex
Reasons to Give _ _ _ _ _ _ _ S
How to Stay Awake During Sex
Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast
Shopping – Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours
#101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep
#102 Its OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom
If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
How to Close the Garage Door
If You Dont Want an Excuse, Dont Demand an Explanation
Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
Living Without Power Windows – How to Turn a Crank
Romanticism – The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation
How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing
Putting On Something Sexy – Why it Wont Ruin Your Brain
How to Act Younger Than Your Mother
You Too Can Carry a Backpack
Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who Complain About You the Most
Apologizing for Farting When Youre On the Toilet is NOT Necessary
The Attainable Goal – Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.

The incredibly dumb

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.