Old and New Jokes

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving – call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after hed been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, You know…. This is completely unfair.

What do you mean? asks the surgeon.

Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and thats more than I get paid in a year, replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

Thats not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart, says the driver.

Well if thats the case, Ill tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right. replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, Ok. Youre on.

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the drivers hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks hes done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

You know… says the driver, I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.

A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos wont ripen.
Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and shes getting
tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbor and says, Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?

Her neighbor replies, Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do.
Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your
clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and
blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.

Well, what the heck? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

So-so, she answers. The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are
all four inches longer.

–Dick Wexelblat {seismo|ihnp4|decvax}!philabs!rlw
rlw@philabs.philips.com

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, Why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?

She said, He sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?

She said, Oh, yes. Its a real good baby.

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…

Then why did you eat him?

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled. The preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker asked, Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and thats how I want to go.

10. They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
7. It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
5. Theyre too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The drivers side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if youre being chased. You could use the mirrors if they werent cracked and covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is approximately 45 mph.
2. Who wants to steal a truck that needs a years worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?
1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then shes yours. – Deuteronomy 21

15. Find a prostitute and marry her. – Hosea (Hosea 1)

14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. – Moses (Exodus 2)

13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4)

12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21)

11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. – Adam (Genesis 2)

10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a womans hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Thats right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. – Jacob (Genesis 29)

9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-laws enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (1 Samuel somewhere)

8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and youll definitely find someone. (Its all relative off course.) – Cain (Genesis 4)

7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)

6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, I have seen a …woman; now get her for me. If your parents question your decision, simply say, Get her for me. Shes the one for me. – Samson (Judges 14)

5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). – David (2 Samuel 9)

4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (Its not just a good idea, its the law). – Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

3. Dont be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11)

2. A wife?…NOT!!! – Paul (I Corinthians 7)

1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. – Jesus (Revelation 15?)

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks do you want any help? Man on the rock replies no- the Lord will save me-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him do you want any help? The man replied no – the Lord will save me! Then along comes another man on a boat and asks do you want any help? and he said no-the Lord will save me.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter why didnt the Lord save me????

St.Peter said he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?

1. The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field, and theyve seen it many times before.

2. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without incident.

3. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists and they are all OK.

4. Picard, Riker, and Data visit the Holodeck and it works perfectly.

5. Captain Picard has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, but the Prime Directive makes it easy.

6. A power surge on the bridge is correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by a well-trained engineering staff using common diagnostic equipment.

7. The officers of the Enterprise encounter a new lifeform, which later turns out to be a common, well-known lifeform who was wearing a funny mask as a joke.

8. A major emergency happens near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it.

9. The Enterprise kicks in warp speed and hits a large planet coming from the right that they didnt see in time.

10. The crew if the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious illness, but the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay storeroom.

11. Geordie looks at something through his electronic eye band and realizes he hasnt the faintest idea what he is looking at.

12. While being attacked by Romulans, Picard orders warp speed and the Enterprise stalls and wont start up without a call to AAA.

13. Data is passed over for promotion because he cannot understand the most basic nuances of what people are saying to him.

14. Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a geek and he has to start making friends his own age for a change.

15. Counselor Troi makes an analysis that states something other than that which is blindingly obvious.

16. A mysterious being composed of pure energy tries to enter the Enterprises computer but finds out it didnt bring the right plugs along.

17. Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visi

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders arent supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.