Tres mujeres están conversando de sexo. Una de ellas les pregunta a las otras:
¿Y ustedes cómo saben cuando están excitadas?
Yo voy al baño y me toco el calzón; si está mojado, estoy excitada, contesta la primera.
Yo me toco los pezones; si están duritos estoy excitada, responde otra.
Pues para mà es súper fácil: me meto un choclo en la vagina; si salen palomitas (pop corn, rosetas, etc.) estoy excitada.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
Da-ad… What?
Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?
No. You had your chance. Lights out.
Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…
WHAT?
Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??
I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!
Five minutes later…
Daaaa-aaaad…
WHAT??!!
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?
Knock knock
whose there?
avery
avery who?
aver is a gay homo that liks his dogs butt!
lol lol lol lo lol lol lo
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck!
Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the grooms tuxedo.
After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the grooms. Explain to the tux shop what youre up to. Pick up the grooms fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.
The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Dont reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a New Yorker. Im not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the New Yorker wouldnt be able to answer the questions, and hed be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
Heres your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9.
Without numbiz? the New Yorker says. Dats easy, and proceeds to draw three trees.
Whats this? the boss asks.
Aint you got no brains? Tree n tree n tree makes nine.
Fair enough, says the boss.
Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.
The New Yorker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. Dare ya go.
The boss scratches his head and says, How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
Each a da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, n dirty tree, n dirty tree. Dats 99.
The boss is getting worried hes going to have to hire him, so he says, Alright, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
Mr. New York stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Dare ya go. A hundred.
The boss looks at the attempt. You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred.
The New Yorker leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says: A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now youve got: dirty tree an a turd, dirty tree an a turd, an dirty tree an a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I freakin start?
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
church. Reverend, she said, I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What
should I do?
I have an idea, said the minister. Take this hatpin with you. I
will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to
you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the
leg.
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this,
the preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
Jesus! Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones, said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. Who is
your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones.
God! Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
Right again, said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the
minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he
made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, And what did Eve
say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, You stick that goddamned
thing in me one more time and Ill break it in half and shove it up
your ass!
Amen, replied the congregation.
You Know Youre Getting Older When…
Everything hurts and what doesnt hurt, doesnt work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you havent been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Youre still chasing women but cant remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 Years Ago Today…
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and cant get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt wont.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Youre startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just cant stand people who are intolerant.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
I Still Miss My Ex..But My Aim Is Getting Better!
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!