Old and New Jokes

Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.

Q: Whats the definition of a really macho woman?
A: She jump starts her vibrator.

Q: Whats the definition of a really macho man?
A: He puts on a condom with a tire iron.

Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.

Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of
her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her.

Unruffled she took a look and said, This you call a lining?

Q: What is every blondes ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: Im sooo drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!

Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Q: Why cant blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I dont know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A2: So that when theyre on the train they can tell if theyre going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because thats where youre supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: good for up to 20 pounds.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, Daddy, what is sex?



The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if shes old enough to know to ask the question, then shes old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.



Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, Why did you ask this question, honey?



The little girl replied, Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. Ill help you get the wagon up later.

Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.

Aw come on boy, the farmer insisted.

Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, But Pa wont like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

Dont be foolish! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?

Under the wagon!

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

If I gave you $200, the teacher began, and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?

An orgy, Johnny answered.

Una mujer estaba acompañando en el hospital a su esposo, quien salía del estado de coma en que había caído después de varios meses. Ella había permanecido a su lado todos los días esperando su recuperación y cuando finalmente volvió en sí, él le pidió que se acercara, con lágrimas en los ojos:

Querida: has estado conmigo siempre en las malas. Cuando fui despedido, estabas ahí para apoyarme. Cuando quebró mi negocio, estabas ahí. Cuando me dispararon, continuaste ahí. Cuando perdimos la casa, permaneciste conmigo. Cuando mi salud comenzó a fallar, seguías a mi lado. ¿Sabes qué?

Dime, mi vida.

Creo que me traes mala suerte.