Old and New Jokes

My uncle got a job as a diamond cutter. When I asked him where he
works, he said I mow the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

A man goes to see the Rabbi. Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, Whats wrong? The man replied, My wife is poisoning me. The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, How can that be? The man then pleads, Im telling you, Im certain shes poisoning me, what should I do? The Rabbi then offers, Tell you what. Let me talk to her, Ill see what I can find out and Ill let you know. A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, Take the poison.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A1: A golden retriever.

A2: A labrador.

A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says, Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?

The man replies, Dont ask me lady. Im just a painter!

How careers end…

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

there was a blonde, a brunete,and a red head. they all walked into a bar for a drink.the bar tender said,i have a magical mirror any thing you think you are.you tell the mirror and if its true you will become it even more of what you wished for.but if not the mirror will suck you up. so the brunet goes in and said i think im the prettyest girl in the world.with that the mirror said you are. so she became prettyer than everyone in the world.then the red head went in and said i think im the richest girl in the world. the mirror said you look very rich you now are the richest girl in the world.the blonde went in and said i thinkand with that the mirror gobbeld her up.the two girls left said why did the mirror swollow her up?the man said because she said that she thought and thats a lie.

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.

He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.

Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.

Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.



WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?



Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.



No problem says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.

Done says the Wizard.



Who comes next before the Great Wizard?

Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I

need a heart.



Ive heard its true says the Wizard. Consider it done.



Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word.



Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?



And Willie replies – Is Dorothy around?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave Slim Jim wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.