You might be a redneck if…
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
16
Aug
16
Aug
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show! and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
16
Aug
This is great and
really works, I feel fab now !!
At last a sensible exercise programme to burn off the calories after
that third helping of pudding…
If youre over 25 you might want to take it easy at first, then do it
faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme.
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Thats enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.
15
Aug
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.
The hippie of course says that hed love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver(male), you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When shes in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, Im the hippie!!
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, Ha ha, Im the bus driver!!!
15
Aug
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
15
Aug
Youre not getting older, youre getting ancient.
15
Aug
Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
Ah thought ah paid it!
15
Aug
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
15
Aug
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.
The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies, I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live. They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italians neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies, In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy. They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the Americans neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.
He says, Yeah. Youve got a knot in your rope.
15
Aug
An Englishman was flying across the Pacific on Delta/Northwest
and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started
walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it
malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out.
Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical
island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued.
However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue.
Fortunately there was a spring on the island and he survived on
coconuts and fish.
Finally one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he sees
a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean. She is
beautiful! She says, Are you Fred Quimby? He says, Why yes I am.
Congratulations, I am from Rescue Inc., and we have been attempting
to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been
since youve had a smoke?
Well, of course its been about 15 years.
So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and
pulls out a package of Players cigarettes. How in the world did you
know that my favorite brand was Players?
We have researched all of your preferences very carefully Fred, we
want to do a good job.
So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the
rescuer says, And how long has it been since youve had a drink?
Well, thats fifteen years too. And so she reaches down inside the
wetsuit on the other side and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels.
How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?
Well, Fred, as I said we have looked into all of those things too,
do you mind if I have a drink too?
No, of course not. And they both put a couple away.
Then, as she starts to peel off the wet suit she says, And tell me
Fred, how long has it been since youve played around?
Dont tell me youve got a set of golf clubs in there!