This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he cant make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesnt want to cancel the date, because hes afraid he wont ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert.
During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesnt want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. Oh crap, he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week? he asks. No problem, Id like to look around too, she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, mens fashions are on the right, womens fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesnt see him buying the pants. He doesnt even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) Just the pants. What? asks the Gap girl. Just the pants! (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: Oh, OK. He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out… just the sweater.
Does anybody know the Washington Posts code name for their Clinton
insider-news source?
Im pretty sure its not Deep Throat …
Never argue with a women when shes tired — or rested.
This Newfie is going icefishing. He starts to drill a hole with
his auger when a loud booming voice says, THERES NO FISH DOWN THERE!
So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again.
The same voice booms, THERES NO FISH DOWN THERE!
So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice
immediately comes again, THERES NO FISH THERE EITHER!
The Newf looks around and says, Who are you anyways? God?
NO IM THE ARENA MANAGER!
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and hes getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying shes a virgin and wants to stay that way.Well, okay, he says, how about a blow job?Yuck! she screams. Im not putting that thing in my mouth!He says, Well, then, how about a hand job? Ive never done that, she says. What do I have to do?Well, he answers, remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? She nods. Well, its just like that.So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.Whats wrong?! she cries out.Take your thumb off the end!!
(My sister commented to me yesterday about an amusing joke in the
New York Times Magazine Section:)
How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.
Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, My god! Its already three P.M. Im about to miss my train! She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.
At this moment, the son-in-laws daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces, Dont hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!
El nuevo sacerdote de una parroquia estaba demasiado nervioso en su primer sermón que casi no pudo hablar. Antes de iniciar la segunda homilÃa, le preguntó al monseñor cómo podrÃa hacerle para relajarse, y éste le sugirió que la próxima vez que subiera al púlpito pusiera un poco de vodka en el agua y que después de unos sorbos se sentirÃa más relajado.
Al siguiente domingo, puso el consejo en práctica y sintió que podÃa hablar incluso en medio de una tormenta; se sentÃa de maravilla. Después de regresar a la rectorÃa de la parroquia encontró una nota del monseñor:
Querido padre:
1. La próxima vez, tome sorbos en lugar de tragar.
2. Son 10 los mandamientos, no 12.
3. Fueron 12 los discÃpulos, no 10.
4. No nos referimos a la Cruz como aquella T grandota.
5. No nos referimos a nuestro Salvador Jesucristo y sus apóstoles como JC y su banda.
6. David derrotó a Goliat, nunca le pateó el fundillo.
7. No nos referimos a Judas como el culero.
8. El Papa es sagrado, no castrado, y no nos referimos a él como El Padrino.
9. El Padre, el Hijo y el EspÃritu Santo no son Papi, el Junior y el Aparecido.
Atte. Monseñor
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zinka!
Zinka who?
Zinka the ship!