Old and New Jokes

There was an expectant father who had spent quite
some time waiting for the offspring to arrive – at his in-laws place. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tell his f-i-law when my son comes, do not call up in office and tell that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise Ill have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Tell me that the clock has arrived. The offspring does arrive one day, but its a daughter. The f-i-l now
thinks – if I tell him that the clock has not arrived, hell misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over. So he sends the message – The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.

Q: Whats a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

Why Dont We Mix Up the Two

(Tune, Why dont we get drunk…
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

Ive got a pound of Cesium,
Its burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But its noise I want to hear.
So darlin bring some water,
A couple pintsll do.
And why dont we mix up the two?

Why dont we mix up the two?
Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say Ive got a death wish,
But honey, Im just blue.
So why dont we mix up the two?

—Songs of Cesium #29

They know how to make little things count.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, dont panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are…You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesnt move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldnt, use the duct tape.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are I apologize and You are right.

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

12 If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

13. And Finally….. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

Actual writings on hospital charts (Actual? Mmmm…)

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
The patient is tearful and crying constsntly. She also appears to be depressed
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
Healthy appearing decrepit 68 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful
The patient refused autopsy
The patient has no previous history of suicides
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the last 3 days
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
She is numb from her toes down
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home
The skin was moist and dry
Occasional,constant infrequent headaches
Patient was alert and unresponsive
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him. Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger? I dont have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. I just have to run faster than you.

What is a mans idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owners neighbors dont mind if you dont return the sax when you borrow it.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.