Old and New Jokes

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As hes falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesnt know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, hes dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!

The guy flying up looks down and yells, No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!

why did the hand cross the road??
to get to the second hand shop

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldnt seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, its obvious, says the lifeguard, youre wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. Theyre years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small – and drop a fist-sized potato down inside em. Im tellin ya man… youll have all the babes ya want!
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, Whats wrong now? Damn, Mate! said the lifeguard, The potato goes in front!!

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, George, why has your school
work been so poor lately?

Im in love, the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, With whom?

With you, he said.

But George, she said gently, dont you see how silly that is? Its
true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I dont want a child.

Oh, dont worry, the boy said reassuringly, Ill use a rubber.

Q: Did you hear about the woman that didnt know the
difference between vaseline and window putty?

A: All of her windows fell out!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. Im under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didnt I, you stupid fool!!

14. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.

Liebermans Law: Everybody lies, but it doesnt matter, because nobody listens.

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesnt even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?

The man answers, Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

No, not worth it!

OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?

No, not worth it!

OK, 20?

No, not worth it!

How about 10?

No, not worth it!

Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?

Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.