Old and New Jokes

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmatic. Why asks his father? The teacher asked How much is 2×3? and I said 6 But thats right! Then she asked me how much is 2×3? Whats the fucking difference? Thats what I said!

"Now there
are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight
people are now average. Which means youve met your New Years resolution."

~ Jay Leno

Yo mama got so much toejam she could solve world hunger.

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
Thou shalt use the English language properly.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
Thou shalt help other users.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOps rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload worm programs.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. Our flag symbolizes our taxes, he said. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

Thats the same with us, the American said, only we see stars, too.

My bologna has a first name,
Its c-o-w cow.
My bologna has a second name,
Its l-i-p-s lips.
Oh, I have to eat it every day,
And if you ask me why Ill sayyyy…
Cuz Oscar Mayer has a way
Of getting by the FDA!

[Ed: Just a joke, Oscar…]

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New
York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another
guy.

This is a nice place, Ive never been here, the first guy says.

Oh really?, the other replies, its also a very special bar.

Why is that?, the first guy asks.

Well, you see that painting on the far wall? Thats an original Van Gogh, and
this stool Im sitting on was on the Titanic.

Gee, thats amazing!, the first guy says.

Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well,
the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out youll fall
about 50 feet before the wind catches you and youre pushed back up.

No way, thats impossible, the first guy replies.

Not at all, take a look, the other man replies and walks over to the window,
followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and
falls out. He drops 10…20…30…40….50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

See, its fun. You should try it, he says.

Try it, I dont even believe I saw it!, the first man shouts.

Its easy. Watch, Ill do it again. And with that, he falls out the window
again. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!

He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

Give it a try, its a blast, he says.

Well, what the heck, Ill give it a try, the first man says and proceeds to
fall out the window. He falls 10…20…30…40…50…60…70…80…90..100
feet and splat!

He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to
his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar
and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, You
know Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk.

*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. ***

My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also

33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, Ive got you both beat.

I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!