Old and New Jokes

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doing all this drinking.

Youd drink them this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I have a dollar.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The question has arisen – what do we call the new decade? Decades of the 1900s all evoke images – the twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties … but what do we call the new decade?

At least there can be no controversy over whether its a new millenium, because whatever else, were certainly not in the nineties.

We call could it the zeroes, but that doesnt evoke anything. Theres the nulls or the nothings, but thats all very negative.

I vote for using the British version of zero, and christen them …

THE NOUGHTIES

– If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, Id Blow It All On You
– Do You Love As Good As You Look?
– Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye
– Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
– Heres A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
– How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away?
– I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
– I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
– I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
– I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
– I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
– I Wanna Whip Your Cow
– I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldnt Spell Yuck!
– I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dawg Fight,(even if she had a chance to win)
– Id Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
– Im Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
– Ive Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
– Ive Got The Hungries For Your Love And Im Waiting In Your Welfare Line
– If I Cant Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
– If Love Were Oil, Id Be A Quart Low
– If The Phone Dont Ring, Baby, Youll Know Its Me
– If You Dont Leave Me Alone, Ill Go And Find Someone who will
– If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
– Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head)
– May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
– My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
– My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus
– My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
– My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
– Oh, Ive Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
– Pardon Me, Ive Got Someone To Kill
– She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft;
– She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
– She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
– Shes Got Freckles On Her, But Shes Pretty
– Thank God And Greyhound Shes Gone
– They May Put Me In Prison, But They Cant Stop My Face From Breakin Out
– Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
– When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So Ill Think Youre Walking In
– You Cant Have Your Kate And Edith Too
– You Cant Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
– You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
– Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

How do you compliment a donkey? Hey, nice ass!

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. Hes one hard judge!

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasnt so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friends family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

Why did you do that? exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other!

Exactly, replied the sheriff, would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

Thanx to Douglas V Taylor.

Because they can.Why do dogs stick their noses in womens crotches?
Same reason.

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst booking-in the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

Joseph is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

Occupation? is the next question, the reply being Carpenter.

Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks Did you have a little boy?, the answer is yes.

Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles? asks Jesus, Yes comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts FATHER, FATHER?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies…. Pinnochio?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled.
No one answered.
ALL RIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?
The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.