Old and New Jokes

Llega un tipo triste a un bar y pide un vaso de leche. El cantinero se le queda viendo y le dice:

Yo creo que lo que Ud. necesita no es un vaso de leche, sino un buen trago.

El parroquiano aclara:

La verdad, no puedo tomar porque cuando tomo yo ¡reparto culo!

Se hizo un silencio general en todo el bar… Instantes después, al tipo le empiezan a llover tragos y más tragos. Nuestro amigo sigue insistiendo que no puede beber porque comienza a repartir culo. Al cabo de 2 horas y unos buenos tragos encima, el tipo se levanta y anuncia:

¡Ha llegado la hora de repartir culo!

Comienza a escucharse un murmullo que va en aumento en todo el bar, y los clientes no caben en sí de la emoción. El tipo saca dos pistolas calibre 45 y señalando a los que están en la barra comienza:

Ahora sí, tú le das el culo a él; tú le las el culo a aquel y tú le das el culo a ése…

Little Jimmys father always used to tell him bedtime stories. Being the quick-witted fellow that he was, he always embelished on them adding little jokes here and there.

One day in Little Jimmys kindergarten class, his teacher was telling them the strory of the three little pigs. Jimmy knew this story because his father always told him this before he went to bed. They were at the part when the first pig needed to build his house.



Then, the teacher said, the first little pig needed straw to build his house. Along the road he saw a farmer carrying a bail of straw. So the little pig walked up to the farmer and asked him if he could borrow his straw to build a house. Then class, do you know what the farmer said?



Little Jimmy immedeatly raised his hand, knowing the answer.



Yes Jimmy, replied the teacher.



WOW!! A TALKING PIG!!!

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river

deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites

the elephants tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same

river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that

bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can,

sending him flying way off into the jungle. Why did you do that? the

giraffe asks. When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no

reason, the elephant replied. Wow! You must have a good memory!

exclaimed the giraffe.

Yep! said the elephant. Ive got Turtle-Recall.

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didnt hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking, Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!? Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, Whats wrong? I hit the Easter Bunny!! said the guy. Oh, I know what to do, said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, Wow, Im dying to know what was in that can!!

Oh, said the blonde, It was hair spray. It says, Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that dont have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, ACCESS THE SECRET FILES on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. (See Fortress.)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer even if its turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
You may bypass PERMISSION DENIED message by using the OVERRIDE function. (See Demolition Man.)
Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See Clear and Present Danger).
If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See Independence Day.)
Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See Aliens.)
Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the SELF-DESTRUCT button.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See Alien or 2001.)
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like file and computer and 3 results are returned.)

A good day is when you wake up without a chalk outline around your body.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Joe Namath!
Joe Namath who!
Joe Namath not on the door thats why I knocked!

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said dont walk.

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.

One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their

head?

A: All you can eat, under a buck.